Over at Hit and Run I've been tagged for a meme in which I am supposed to list eight random things about myself...

• I have a favorite plate. Its pattern is more swirly than the rest in our set. When Rob sets the table, he knows to give me the swirly plate. If he forgets, I switch them.




• I love to scan barcodes. For this reason I am slightly addicted to self-checkout lanes. And those price-check kiosks at Target, which I might perhaps use every time I go to Target, just because I can.




• I get really grumpy when I get hungry. Like, beyond reasoning with. Rob claims there is a very small window of time (about 2.5 minutes) between when I am not at all hungry and when I am STARVING, and that the most important survival skill he has learned in this marriage is to "recognize the warning signs and act quickly."




• I only wear nude nail polish. You know, like the flesh-toned color they use for french manicures. I like how it makes nails look nicely finished but still natural. I don't think I've worn a real color on my fingernails since high school. I've always painted my toes with a maroon or deep rose, but just recently I've abandoned colors altogether. I have nothing against them on other people, but I don't like the look on myself.




• In the morning while driving to work, I can only listen to NPR. NPR is quiet and mellow; everything else is too loud and too damn perky. When Rob and I used to drive to work together, he liked to listen to some obnoxious morning show on the rock station, with lots of crude jokes and loud laughing and the people constantly shout-talking. It was all I could do on those mornings not to fling myself out the car door.




• I was a DJ for awhile at my college radio station. Doreen and I, and another friend, had a folk show.




• I grew up listening to country music, and so completely missed all 80s pop and rock music. The only time I ever heard any of those songs was when we went to the skating rink, and so as a result, I'll say, "Oh, this song reminds me of Skatetown!" about any 80s song I actually recognize. I don’t listen to country anymore, but I’ll never catch up on all I missed. Rob is still amazed when a classic rock/pop song comes on the radio and I swear I’ve never heard it before. But, name a Dolly Parton song and I can sing it.




• I go to great lengths to ignore people I know when I see them out and about. Unless you are in my very closest circle of friends or family, I will avoid you. I'll duck into an aisle or become very preoccupied with my cell phone to prevent us from having contact. It sounds snobby, but mostly it's just because I'm lazy - making inane chit-chat is such a pain in the ass.

I won't tag anyone, but feel free to play if the spirit moves you.

So have I ever told you about my high school summer job? No? Yeah, there's a reason for that. However, Kristine's SPF last week (I'm behind - shut up) was partly about secrets and then jessica_deva tagged me with Four Things which is partly about jobs, and so I'm addressing both in one post: the summer job I keep secret because it's hella lame.

You need to know that in addition to this job I'm about to reveal, I also held the noble position of summer school teaching assistant. I was, after all, a motivated young woman determined to have some experience in her chosen field before college. The problem was that summer school was only half-days for 5 weeks. And so I needed another summer job that was flexible and that would fill the rest of my summer.

And so, under these conditions, I accepted employment as a Textbook Protection Technician. Okay fine, I made that title up just now. I was a book wrapper, okay? I put paper covers on textbooks. You remember back in elementary school when on the first day of school you were given your textbooks and also some paper covers (probably brown, most likely advertising whatever local business had donated them) and your teacher then instructed everyone to carefully wrap your textbooks in the paper covers so the books would last longer? You remember, right? And in the first month or so, you filled that paper cover with all sorts of pencil doodles? And then during the second month of school (or maybe the third, if you had been especially careful) the paper cover fell off due to the wear and tear that comes from shoving the book into your backpack (not to mention the holes you poked and tears you tore to encourage the dang thing to fall off because, really, how lame are textbook covers?!)? Yes, well that very textbook wrapping activity - the one you did in about 30 seconds as a first grader - is what I got paid minimum wage to do for three of my high school summers.

EXCEPT that the process I was part of was MUCH improved from the primitive book-wrapping technique you employed. I was part of a book wrapping team of eight, y'all. We had a four-step assembly line. Four people sat on one side of a table, and each book was passed down, first to the Folder, then the Cutter, then the Gluer, and then the Labeler. And this assembly line was mirrored on the other side of the table for a total of two (count 'em - TWO!) assembly lines.

The coolest position to have was Cutter. This person cut off the corner flaps in order to provide a clean fold for the Gluer. Cutting required both accuracy and speed. The flaps needed to be cut at just the right angle or glue would seep out and the book cover would be stuck to the last page of the book. And a fast cutter was highly valued because she could cut (literally - heh) several seconds off the process, meaning minutes saved on a stack of books (and thus more time to goof off during lunch). A truly talented cutter could actually cut for both assembly lines and still keep up. Cutting was also the most exhilarating because there was actual risk involved - scissors moving at that speed are dangerous.

Cutting was my forte; I was fucking fast, y'all. To this day hearing the snip-snip of scissors gets my adrenaline going. I also served as Folder and Gluer from time to time, but I was discouraged from being a Labeler because that task required neat handwriting. (Unfortunately, no one stopped to ask potential Labelers how well they could spell, and so as a result we left one high school with stacks of "Scocial Studies 9" textbooks.)

We wrapped every motherfucking textbook, elementary through high school, in the school division. Every Last One. It took us all fucking summer. But oh, the PRIDE I felt when those carefully wrapped textbooks were handed out the first day of school. The way my fellow students clearly admired the covers' clean lines, sharp corners, and tight fit (right before they dug a fingernail down the front and tore if off - sons of bitches), made it all worthwhile. Truly.

Okay, not really. I mean, come on, I wasn't a total loser. Truth is, the job kicked ass because I had a couple friends who also did it and so we spent all summer gossiping and spending on-the-clock time hanging out at the ice cream shop. Oh, and WE GOT TO DRIVE CAPRICE CLASSICS ALL OVER THE COUNTY. Kick ass. You haven't lived until you have raced a Caprice Classic over twisty, hilly country roads, getting so much air that not only does your ass leave the seat but your head actually hits the roof.

Those were the days.

It's been way too long since a really good tag has bounced around the blogosphere. Am I right? Thanks to LadyBug for tagging me - this one is FUN!

The Rules:
1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same.

Okay, first I need to say that 23 and 5 are MY FAVORITE NUMBERS. Because I was born on the 23rd, and 2 + 3 is 5. (Shut up - I came up with this when I was like, 6, okay?) So how cool is it that those are the numbers in this tag?! FREAKY. However, I was a bit bummed as I dug through my archives because my 23rd post was a bliss bit and so not 5 sentences long. Not even one sentence, in fact - more like a phrase. Same for my 24th post. But my 22nd post? Mucho sentences. And...not only mucho sentences, but mucho sentences about JOHN STAMOS! Jackpot!

So then, here we go:

The true love affair began the day he sang “Forever.”

(From john stamos, my lifelong obsession - 11 feb 2004)

Is it me, or does that pretty much sum it all up?

Bente, twig, Amy, Ern, and Raz? Consider yourselves tagged, yo.

Thanks for the tag, Weetzie! This one is similar to, but not exactly the same as, a book meme I did awhile back. All my answers are different now anyway.

1. Total number of books I've owned:

The I've confuses me here. Total number of books I've EVER owned? In all my life thus far? Sweet google that is too many to count. Currently on my small bookshelf there are about 75 books, mostly English major stuff like Fitzgerald, Faulkner, and EVERY NOVEL CHARLES DICKENS HAS EVER WRITTEN. (I guess you could say I went through a Dickens phase in college.) I also have many many anthologies, which is Latin for books for which you must sell your ovaries in order to afford, and from which you only ever read one 15-page short story. Such a good word, anthology. Makes literature sound so scientific. Wait, where was I? Oh yes, number of books.

I also have about 50 children's books. Mostly Dr. Seuss. I have EVERY BOOK DR. SEUSS HAS EVER WRITTEN. (Yeah, the phase thing again.)

Finally, I have boxes and boxes and boxes of books in the basement. BOXES.

2. Last book I bought:

Three Junes by Julia Glass. I've been wanting to read this one and the Redneck Valley Library doesn't have it. But Barnes & Noble is my bitch.

3. Last book I read:

Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris. (Word, Weetzie.)

4. Currently reading:

Three Junes.

5. Five books that mean a lot to me:

a) The Hours by Michael Cunningham - Hands down the best novel I've ever read. Ever.
b) The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger - The best novel I've read recently. (Word once again, Weetzie.)
c) Eats, Shoots and Leaves by Lynne Truss - This book turns me on like only grammar can. And ooh, the British terms are so hot. Full stop, how sexy is that?! Seriously. SO sexy.
d) Marriage Shock by Dalma Heyn - Examines the effect societal expectations have on the role of Wife. This is a fascinating, liberating, and essential read. I give it to all my friends when they get engaged.
e) The Adventures of Kloggy - I KNOW, how cool is this? Thanks to mrtl for discovering it.

I love getting book recommendations. So if you've got some, now would be the time.

Remember when I said this blog is for me? Well forget that for a moment because this post is not for me. It's for Greenie. Had anyone else tagged me with this lovely little meme, I would quite likely have turned them down. But Greenie calls me "kitten" and recites poetry (usually not turd related) and so for him I'll play along. For dear Greenie I will channel the Shit Muse.

And it's only 4 lines, so how bad can it be?

Turd in a punch bowl,
I thought my eyes deceived me at first glance.
Turd in a punch bowl,
Why the hell did I agree to chaperone this dance?

Okay, I'll admit it. That was kinda fun. But I can't bring myself to pass the turd on to someone else. If I were to turd-tag 3 people, they would be Mrtl, Robyn, and LadyBug, and they would have to replace lines 2 and 4 with their own rhyming lines.

But that's not an official tag. That's just an If I Were To Tag tag. The rules of an If I Were To Tag tag (hereby made up by me) are that if those who would have been tagged WANT to write a poem about poop, they by all means should do so. But if they don't want to, then they can pretend this never happened.

Or they can shit all over my comments and spare their own blogs the spatter. Metaphorically speaking.

It's all about the loopholes. Or, in this case, poopholes.

Mrtl tagged me, and now in return I will steal her preface. Remarkably, we're very much alike in the realm of books. I too am a former English major and former English teacher, and I too am pretty much a non-reader. (All that English majoring and teaching really burns you out.) Looks like I started my Reclaim Reading in 2005 initiative just in time.

1. What book would I like to be?
Encyclopedia Brown by Donald Sobol. That kid is amazing, figuring out all that shit.

2. Have I ever had a crush on a fictional character?
Crush is an understatement. I am head over heels in love with Odysseus. Ask anyone. I'd be his Penelope anyday.

3. What is the last book I bought?
I Don’t Know How She Does It by Allison Pearson

4. What is the last book I read?
A Home at the End of the World by Michael Cunningham

5. What book am I currently reading?
The Camera by Ansel Adams

6. What 5 books would I take with me if I were stranded on a desert island?

1. How to Get the Hell Off a Desert Island: What? I'm sure it exists.
2,3. Both Bridget Jones novels by Helen Fielding: If the book above doesn't help, I'll need to get my mind off my miserable situation. And nothing makes me laugh like Bridget Jones.
4. The Hatchet by Gary Paulsen: I figure after I laugh my ass off for awhile, I'll need to get back to the business of survival. This one will be a good guide, plus it's been a favorite of mine ever since I read it as a kid.
5. The Hours by Michael Cunningham: When I fail to successfully implement the tactics from The Hatchet, I'll want to lose myself in my absolute favorite novel while I wait for the scorpions to come and eat me alive.

7. What 3 people am I going to tag with these questions and why?

nilbo
the niffer
spurious plum

Why: Besides the obvious answer that up until now they have avoided The Tag and that shit just ain't right? Well, Nilbo because I can tell he's a reader and I'm interested to see his answers, the niffer because she shares my feline obsession, and spurious plum because she's uber-cool and the most bad-ass plum I've ever met. (My apologies if any of you have already been tagged - I did the research and don't think you have, but really, what do I know?)