In honor of the Ides of March, I thought I'd share the Phase-Out Plan. Because when you no longer consider a certain person your friend, it's always a better idea to phase him out than stab him in the back. Et tu, Brute?

First, a few things. There's a lot of guilt associated with phasing someone out, but there needn't be. It doesn't mean you're an awful person. It doesn't mean your friend is an awful person. It just means you've changed in such a way that you don't find the friendship beneficial anymore. You've gone separate ways. Maybe the person has become someone you no longer have respect for, or maybe you just don't have much in common anymore. Whatever the reason, the friendship is dragging you down and wasting your time.

What makes this tricky is that often the other person doesn't notice (or won't admit) the troubled friendship. And this is when the best solution is to slowly phase the person out. In a romantic relationship, you can just end things outright. You know, the whole "It's not you, it's me" thing. But in a friendship (especially between two females) it's never that easy.

Enter The Phase-Out Plan. Properly executed, the process will, in hindsight, appear to the person you've phased out to be an unavoidable deterioration of the friendship. In other words, the phasing out will happen gradually and naturally enough that it will seem the two of you just drifted apart during this time, not that you were actively pulling away (even though that's exactly what you're doing). Granted, you could just sit the person down and explain that you don't want to be friends any longer. And maybe that's the honorable thing to do. But frankly, I would rather shave my head like Britney Spears than have that conversation. Often you're phasing a person out without concrete, tangible reasons; to tell a person that would damage his or her self-esteem and leave you looking like a total bitch. I maintain Phasing-Out is the more clever and compassionate way to handle this sort of situation.

(I should add that I am in no way an expert on The Plan, but I have employed it with great success and have, in fact, learned from the master, HFD, who should totally patent this.)

The key to doing this well is time and patience. This is the only downside because quite likely the person has already wasted too much of your time and worn your patience thin.

1. Become the busiest person you know. Even if you're not. You need to start minimizing the time you spend with the person you're phasing out, and having other plans is the most painless way to decline an invitation. My phase-out liked to schedule our next 'date' at the end of our current one ("So when can we get together next week?") which made this part of the plan especially hard. ("You can't be busy every day next week!") Yes, in fact, I can. And I am. (It's okay to lie, just don't get caught.) If you don't want to lie, then search your life for any legitimate reason you can conceivably stretch. For example, JLD reminded me that I could use the fact that my dad had been in the hospital. "Your phase-out doesn't need to know he's doing fine! You can use 'My dad's been in the hospital' as a busy-excuse for at least a month!" Damn, he's good.




2. Stop initiating. HFD recommended that I immediately stop initiating things with my phase-out, but I actually did invite the person to get together a few times after I began The Plan. I know it sounds insincere, but the truth is I was trying to convince myself that I liked this person more than I thought I did. Turned out, I really didn't. So I stopped initiating. I think gradually phasing out my invitations made it seem more natural, though.

   To stop initiating means phone calls and emails as well as invitations. I stopped emailing the person entirely, although if I received an email I would politely reply. But not right away - maybe a week later. I was, after all, very busy.

If the person lives in a different town, phasing-out is much easier to accomplish. Steps 1 and 2 should be all it takes. And even if the phase-out is local, most people's social skills are sensitive enough that if a friend (especially a not-that-close one) becomes too busy to get together and stops initiating contact, they will get the hint and slowly sidle away. But some don't. Mine didn't. This is when things get tough for you, the Phaser-Outer, because you must start doing things that feel a wee bit bitchy. But it's essential that you stay strong and follow the course.

3. Stop being fun to be with. When you do get stuck hanging out with the person, arrive late. And develop the personality of a wet mop. I know, I know - even when you're not trying, you're still a fucking blast. Believe me, I know what it's like. But you need to tone it down. Stop telling funny anecdotes. Don't hold up your end of the conversation. Smile only enough to prevent the person from asking if you're depressed. If you're a drag to be around, the phase-out will stop calling.


4. Except when they don't. Some still cling, much to your fury. If you've got a Saran-wrap phase-out, you must turn to drastic measures. For example, when the person decides that the only way she'll be able to spend time with you is to join your weekly yoga class, talk her out of it as fast as you can move your fucking tongue. You doubt the class times would be compatible with her work hours and the class is always too full to properly move your arms and the instructor is dreadful. In fact, this whole yoga thing is SO overrated. Besides, wouldn't it be more fiscally responsible for her to take yoga classes at the gym she belongs to? (Employ math logic whenever possible as it is indisputable.) Then, just in case, switch to a different class so if she does show up, you won't be there.

Also avoid answering any phone calls from the phase-out (caller ID is your new best friend) and stop replying to emails. Treat the person as you would a bad date. At this point you may feel like a full-fledged bitch, but truly the person has driven you to it.

5. Don't slip. When several months have passed since your last interaction, you will be tempted to declare success. And you should, as long as you continue to be on guard. Because mark my words, you will run into the person at some social event and she will stalk you into the restroom and start chatting you up like not a day has passed. This will remind you of why you phased her out in the first place, and you will be so happy to have ended that friendship that you will be hard-pressed not to break into a huge smile of relief. However, your joy will surely be interpreted as affection. So, stand firm. Be polite (no need to earn the bitch title now) but be reserved. Respond in conversation as you would to a mere acquaintance, which is what your phase-out is to you now. Do NOT get suckered into making plans. ("It's been TOO long...we need to get together!") Keep the conversation brief, slowly backing into the bathroom stall if you must. Then sit on the toilet and don't come out until she leaves.

If everything goes well, you will have liberated yourself from a lifeless friendship without any fallout and without even really arousing suspicion. You'll have more time to devote to the friendships you value, and you'll even be able to return to that Thursday evening yoga class you've been avoiding for months.