been reading: Into The Mirror: The Life Of Master Spy Robert P. Hanssen by Lawrence Schiller

It should come as no surprise that I am fascinated by Robert Hanssen, a man who is considered the most damaging US spy because of decades' worth of documents he sold to the KGB. I am, after all, captivated by all things spy. And double agents in particular intrigue me. This is partly because on Alias, double (and even triple!) agents are everywhere you turn, and anything in real life that resembles Alias is hella cool. (You know, in a bad traitory way.) And it's partly because double agents are super-spies. They are, after all, spying on spies. I mean, is that not awesome?!

I picked up this particular book because it was $5 at a discount book fair. I've heard there are better books about Hanssen, and I don't doubt it. I had some issues with this one, mostly to do with reliability. It wasn't always clear where the authors got their information. In particular, there were many scenes with just Hanssen or with Hanssen and his wife and I couldn't help but wonder if those scenes were at all based on fact or just purely fiction. I then couldn't help but carry this doubt into the rest of the book. Obviously any book of this sort takes some liberties in the storytelling; I guess I would have preferred that it be written not as a story at all but instead as a factual account of what is known. Still, the book did provide a gripping (and I think for the most part accurate) glimpse into the mind of Hanssen. He is a character conflicted and contradictory to the point of being Shakespearean. And yet he isn't a character; he is a real man. It gives me chills.

I finished the book this weekend and on Sunday we went to see Breach which is the movie about Hanssen that's currently in theatres. While the book concentrated much more on Hanssen's psyche and perspective, the movie focuses on the Bureau's efforts to bring him down, filling in the gaps left by the book. Yet in the film Chris Cooper does a phenomenal job portraying Hanssen's inner tensions and motivations.

There's much I could say about the fact that Hanssen was in Opus Dei and the role I believe his religious views may have played in his quest for power and control and superiority. I'll refrain, except to say that what becomes quite clear is that not only did Hanssen spend decades deceiving his nation, he has also spent a lifetime deceiving himself.

I have had at least one doctor's appointment every week for the past two months, since the beginning of 2007. I've had a sonogram and xrays and so many blood tests I've lost count. Just this week I had a scope inserted through my nose and down into my throat. There's more, including several medications (and one allergic reaction) blahdy blah blah. I'm tired of talking about it.

My doctor has been "puzzled" and in fact the worst part for me has been the not knowing. I really appreciate those of you who've been wondering and worrying and waiting with me.

I am very relieved to say that I'm feeling much better now. My doctor suspects a bacterial infection was the culprit. It's an anticlimactic conclusion, and I'm just fine with that. It doesn't explain all the symptoms I had, so I may have some more appointments in my future. But the current diagnosis is that I'm healthy. And until there's evidence to suggest otherwise, I'm going to go with that. I'm a little shaken up, a bit weary from it all, but feeling great and so grateful.

And so empathetic - several people I care about aren't well yet and have endured much more than I had to with this. I think about you each day and I will continue to maintain hope.

Here's to March and the renewal a new month brings.