First, let me say that I totally missed the beginning of Jake in Progress because he who hates John Stamos sent me an email at exactly 9:28. And so I was reading, reading, chuckling, reading and then...HUH? Is that John Stamos I hear? And I whipped my head around toward the tv and behold! Stud Stamos. IN BED, no less. Mid-scene! Dammit. I can't believe I fell for such a blatantly obvious email distraction plan.

Second, let me say that I had every intention of providing a minute by minute recap of my reactions, from my giggle at his eyebrow wiggle to my yelling "ANNIE YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE JOHN STAMOS?" (It's not that I think y'all give a shit about these play-by-plays - it's just that I like to relive it all over and over and over again. Duh.) But I didn't get a single word down because I was that engaged. I was held absolutely captive. I did try desperately to copy down the best line of the night - when Jake's assistant said something about how Jake was going to get arrested by the fashion police because he was going 60 hot-per-hour in a 30 hot-per-hour zone. Or something like that. I couldn't even type it in before I started thinking about how John Stamos is in fact 60 hot-per-hour and how most everybody else is puttering along at 30 and how really it is a pretty good metaphor and actually I might say he's more like 75 hot-per-hour, at least. And then I snapped out of it and realized I'd completely forgotten the line and missed most of the scene.

Third, let me be the first to express my complete and utter surprise that this show was actually like, GOOD and stuff. And this is not just the Stalkery Stamos Smittentude talking. Seriously, the show was cute. Charming. Witty. With way sexy hair and some seriously ripped shoulders.

Three strikes and I officially dislike you:

Strike 1: The MARRIAGE = [male stick figure] + [female stick figure] bumper sticker on your car.
Strike 2: Driving 22 in a 35. In front of me. On my way home from work.
Strike 3: When the lane divides into two, TAKING THE LEFT LANE AND CONTINUING TO DRIVE AT 22 MPH SUCH THAT EVERY-FUCKING-BODY BEHIND YOU HAS TO PASS YOU IN THE RIGHT LANE. ASSHOLE.

*deep breath...going to a happy place...ah yes, JOHN STAMOS*

I have a date with John Stamos tonight! I have been looking forward to this all day. Okay fine, all weekend.

Jake in Progress - ABC - 9:30pm

He's going to be in like, EVERY SCENE, y'all!! I think my heart might explode.