WHAT THE FUCK, BEEOTCH?! Did you not do the ring check? Surely you did. Because checking for the ring? That is what we, as women, do. We check for the ring. Always. Even when we aren't interested, even when it is none of our business, we still check for the ring. We are ring-checker-for-ers.

But okay. I will give you the benefit of the doubt. Because I can understand how you might have taken one look at that husband of mine and the desire to jump his bones might have pushed out every rational thought in your head. And I can understand how you might have then inched slowly towards him, under the guise of browsing for books, until you were standing very near to him (or, to use his words, "uncomfortably close"). But what I'm having trouble understanding is how in such close proximity you still didn't notice the ring. It's right there! On his hand! And so I'm thinking that either you are a wannabe homewrecker bitch or you are just really fucking stupid.

And I have to tell you that as my husband was relaying this story to me, I was going with the wannabe homewrecker bitch theory. Until he got to the part when you said, all the while giggling to your girlfriend, "This one's about Windows XP...I think that's what I have at home." And that's when I realized that, in fact, you're just really fucking stupid. Not because you're so clueless about computers that you don't even know what operating system you're running, but because you just admitted that you're that clueless about computers WHILE TRYING TO PICK UP A GUY IN THE TECHNOLOGY SECTION OF A BOOKSTORE. Not just admitted it, but actually used it as your line. Here's the thing - smart boys don't think stupid girls are cute. They think you're stupid. And moreover, geek geniuses fucking hate Windows. You might as well have announced that you have gonorrhea. Really, I think that would have gone over better.

Maybe you sensed that my husband thought you were a fucking idiot and perhaps as a result you lost a little courage. That is the only reason I can think of for why you walked away, still giggling with your girlfriend, just to then send A GUY over to get my husband's number on your behalf. A DUDE! When your buddy approached with his "Hey man, excuse me" routine, my poor husband thought he was about to be recruited for fucking Amway. And honestly, he would have written down his number for that way hella sooner than he would have for you. Which is not to say he is at all interested in Amway; it's just to say he is NOT AT ALL INTERESTED IN YOU. Because he's married. Because you're really fucking stupid. And because he doesn't even like blondes. Especially ones who use Windows.