I think I have a crush on my yoga instructor.

I went to the first class, two weeks ago, with every intention of disliking her since she had opened a yoga studio in the very location that I had seriously (okay, not seriously, but still) considered opening a yoga studio. She had stolen my brilliant idea and crushed my entrepreneurial dream and if that isn't reason to hate someone then what is? But when I walked into class that first evening, she was all bubbly and benign and beautiful. And I immediately liked her, which is not at all typical of me. Especially when there is bubbly involved. I don't do bubbly.

There are certain telltale signs of a crush, and it seems I am behaving in ways that apply to all of them. Let's examine:

1. Thinking idiosyncrasies are cute. She is a dancer, and when she is sitting in a chair she has a habit of putting her feet on pointe. And for some reason I find this absolutely adorable.




2. Stalker tendencies. The ribbon-cutting ceremony for her studio was last Tuesday at 11am. This is not an event I would ever consider attending, especially during the work day. But last Tuesday at 10:55 I found myself walking the few blocks from my office to the yoga studio. In the pouring rain. To attend the ceremony. (I told myself I was going because I am a responsible citizen and a supporter of downtown revitalization and a proponent of women-owned businesses.) I got to meet her husband (who is not nearly attractive enough to match her) and her kids and her parents and her brother and did I mention that she was wearing THE cutest red skirt? And that she totally thanked me for coming?!




3. Dressing to be noticed. I bought a pair of snugly-fitting lime green velvet yoga pants at Target for the sole reason that they will show off my ass much better than the pants I've been wearing to class.




4. Determined to impress. Last week we were working on balance and she asked if anyone could demonstrate Tree pose for the group. And my arm shot up into the air and I might have maybe said, "Oooh! Me! Me! I can do Tree!" (I am the fastest arm-raiser around, a skill I developed in high school when I was a smarty-pants front row sitter whose hand was in the air more than it wasn't. Well, in English class, anyway.) And so she nodded and smiled (!) and I went into Tree, except I rushed it because I was so eager to please and so I didn't quite have my balance right before I lifted my leg up. I wobbled but I would have been able to regain my balance except that my heart was thudding so hard in my chest because SHE was watching ME! With her full attention!! And the pounding threw me completely off balance and so my Tree totally timbered. I was understandably devastated. However, as the rest of the class went into Tree, I quickly got back into the pose and then added on all the advanced moves in an attempt to win her affections. I'm not sure she noticed.




5. Unabashed gaped-mouth gawking. She has the most defined calf muscles I have ever seen! And she moves so gracefully into poses - yoga has never been more lovely. And her downward dog makes me want to hump her. There, I said it.

I don't think I had really put any of this together until last evening when Rob and I were getting ready for bed and I said, "Oh! I almost forgot to change my toenail polish!" And he looked at me as if to say, So? and I explained, "I need to paint my toes so that they match the shirt I'm wearing to yoga tomorrow." And he responded, "Why? You trying to impress someone or something?"

Not to worry - she's way out of my league.