Today's motif monday topic is road rage. So here are my top driving pet peeves, in order of how much they piss me off:

1. Slow left-lane drivers. Here's the thing, Granny - I respect your desire to drive slowly. I do. In fact, I appreciate that given the fact that you are a blind old bat, that you prefer not to zoom through town in your cruise-ship-converted-into-a-car Grannymobile. However, THAT IS WHAT THE RIGHT LANE IS FOR. Move over, bitch. You can't handle the left lane. The left lane is for super-cool people like me who drive stick shifts and pay $120 speeding tickets. And here's a clue: If you are in the left lane and the car behind you is riding your ass, move over, bitch. The fact that you are planning to make a left turn in another 5 miles does not give you permission to clog the left lane. And another hint: When I finally throw my hands up in surrender and pass you on the right side (which I SHOULD NEVER HAVE TO DO BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT THE LEFT LANE IS FOR) kindly switch to the right lane after I pass so that the cars that are lined up behind you can proceed on through without also having to pass you in the right lane. I mean, how is it that you DO NOT NOTICE when like, 50 cars all pass you in the right lane? You are either completely absent-minded or mind-numbingly egocentric, and quite honestly both of those characteristics piss me off equally much, which you surely gathered if you were stupid enough to look my way when I passed and thus received the withering look I shot you, the one that said quite simply, Move over, bitch!




2. The blinker leaver-oner. Speaking of absent-minded. TURN OFF YOUR GODDAMN BLINKER. Worst case scenario, you are confusing everyone behind you with your unintentional signal of intention. Best case scenario, your rapidly blinking light is making me twitch. And believe me, that is not a best case scenario at all. How do you not HEAR IT? Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Geez, the noise itself is like Chinese water torture. And to be frank, you look like a fucking dumbass. Leaving your blinker on is the driving equivalent to tucking the back of your skirt into your underwear.




3. John Tesh. Last week as I was flipping through the radio stations I caught a snippet of him explaining how anger causes periodontitis. I shit you not. Please, John, I beg of you: Stop. Just STOP. You make me want to ram my car into something.




4. Toe cramps and a seizure-like series of sneezes. Just...not cool. At all.