(I wrote about costumes awhile back, which is my contribution to this week's Motif Monday. See the post here.)

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Dear felines,

It has been awhile since my last letter to you. Overall things are going well, but there are a few items we need to discuss.

First, let me apologize for the heat. Mommy and Daddy get to go to work in the A/C every day while you all suffer through the hottest part of the day at home. And with your fur, I can only imagine how HOT you must be. I'm so sorry. I would shear you if I thought you'd let me. Simon, laying on the top of the fridge is not the best thing to do to cool off. First of all, heat rises. Second, our fridge is old and not terribly efficient, and the top of the fridge is always warm. Perhaps you should follow Bridget's lead and lay spread-eagled on the floor. Or sit in the open window like Maylee. Just a suggestion.

Now then. On to the things we need to discuss.

Bridget: Mommy is very proud of you. You have made significant improvements since my last letter. Also, thank you for no longer biting Simon or Maylee around the neck and attempting to drag them off to kill them. They look up to you and I appreciate that you are learning to get along with them. However, I do not appreciate you teaching them bad tricks. I am glad that you no longer wake us up early in the morning, but this is only because you have somehow talked Simon into doing it and so now Simon gets yelled at instead of you. Smart kitty. However, notice that when this happens, both you and Simon get put in the Naughty Room. You aren't fooling Mommy - I know that you are the mastermind behind it all.

Still, all in all you are the perfect cat. Whomever said that parents love all their children equally is a liar. You will always be Mommy and Daddy's favorite and we will continue to let you and only you lick our ice cream bowls.

Maylee: I have very few complaints about your behavior. You have never been put in the Naughty Room for a reason - you are never naughty. However, your personality leaves a little to be desired. There is no reason to be so damned stand-offish. In return for us providing food and shelter for you, you are to allow us to pet and cuddle and squeeze you to our hearts' content. This squirming and wriggling and BACK-ARCHING is not acceptable. We are hands-on people - get used to it.

Also, I want to address something sensitive: your body image. I know Mommy used to call you "trailer trash," but that was when you were very young and rather goopy around the eyes. You have since grown into a beautiful little lady. I have noticed that you rarely finish your food and your preference for lettuce perplexes me. Mommy and Daddy love how petite and kittenlike you are, but I want to make sure that you are not attempting to maintain an unrealistic body type based on societal pressures. Do you see how Mommy eats cake and ice cream? Have you seen Mommy eat peanut butter from the jar? Fuck societal pressures, Maylee. No matter how you look on the outside, you will always be beautiful on the inside. Well, once you stop being such a cold bitch, anyway.

Simon: You are Mommy's little buddy and I love you very much. That said, I am going to kick your furry ass if you don't shape up. I have seriously considered appealing to Supernanny for help, because I do not know how to alter your behavior. If she came to our house, she would grab you by the scruff of your neck, shake a pointed finger at you, and say, "Simon! It is
unaseptible to wake Mummy and Daddy at 5:30 in the morning!" And Simon, even more "unaseptible" than waking us at 5:30 is the method you employ. It hurts like fucking hell to wake up to your claw being stuck deeply into the bottom of my foot. It doesn't hurt quite as much as the time you tore my nipple off, but that was an accident and this is an intentional and daily torture, you fucking sadist.

There are other problems we could discuss but this is by far the most heinous. Please, I am begging you. It is ridiculous that Mommy and Daddy have to leave an entire room in the house empty so that it can serve as a Naughty Room for you. Imagine what a nice office for Mommy that room would make!

Simon, let me take this opportunity to remind you that you were not supposed to be part of this household. Daddy agreed only to keeping Maylee; he did NOT want 3 cats. But I went out of my way to convince him, even stuffing you both into a box as a "present" for his birthday so that he was then obligated to keep you both since you were a gift. Simon, your morning wake-up calls are making me doubt my decision. At the very least, stick your claw into Daddy's foot. He's the one who didn't want you, after all.

Love,
Mommy