(Reason #10: All the silly shit you do just to make me laugh.)

Such as sticking a Post-it note that reads ION on the edge of my Victoria's Secret catalog, right next to the final T in the title, so that it reads VICTORIA'S SECRETION.

Google is going to kick my ass for this one, but so be it. Not to be mistaken with the Redneck Valley cock ring, the ANTI-NOCTURNAL EMISSION COCK BRIDLE (U.S. Patent #397,106) has clasps that attach to a man's That Hair so that if an erection occurs during the night, the clasps pull the That Hair, which HURTS LIKE HELL and wakes up the man.

That shit ain't right, y'all. Even for 1889.

For more of these dandy little sex-related patents, visit the US Patent Office Sex Inventions exhibition at the Museum of Sex.

For the full (and fascinating) scoop, check out the related Wired article which examines how sex-related patents have changed over time from prudish to promiscuous.