Here’s my contribution to the campaign. This is for a good cause and all, but the truth is I was just dying for a reason to put my ass on the internet.

Butt belonging to me

Butt belonging to Rudy the Honda Civic

The one I sent to Heather: Butt belonging to Simon

On behalf of small-breasted women everywhere, I’d like to thank Cate Blanchett for always looking fabulous, even without double-D's (or B's, for that matter). I’d like to thank Chris Rock in advance for never hosting again. I’d like to thank Catherine Zeta-Jones for proving that most beautiful women are idiots. I owe my much-needed bathroom breaks to the musical performances – thank you for being there. I’d like to thank the President of the Academy for employing religious metaphors during the most secular and self-absorbed of ceremonies. And finally, I’d like to thank the fans who truly brought home the importance of this evening by reminding us that no one gives a shit about any of these films.

Butt belonging to Rudy

Butt belonging to Kelly

My contribution to the Butts for Butterflies campaign.

I really wish the Pope wouldn’t go around feeding people crap about how gay marriage and abortion are all part of the “ideology of evil,” which, by the way, sounds a bit too much like W’s “access” of evil. Personally, I think they’re in cahoots to spread as much nonsense bullshit as possible.

W: (swaggers in, thumbs in belt loops) Well howdy John Paul, what’re we gonna tell ‘em today?
Pope: (crosses himself) Hail Mary, George, and may God keep you. Let us go for the gays today.
W: Alright, I’ll take care of Amerka. We hate gays in Amerka, so that’ll be no problem.
Pope: And I shall fill the minds of the Catholics with much fear and trepidation on the subject.
W: Sounds good, partner. Bring it on!
Pope: May the peace of the Lord be with you, today and always. Hail Mary.

But then, OH then, God stepped in. Because Amerkans and Catholics may be a fool lot, but God be knowin’ better.

God: Jooohn Paaauul.
Pope: (looks around) Who’s there?
God: Jooohn Paaauul. (smugly) I am the Lord, the Alpha and the Omega.
Pope: (scowls) Dubya, stop it. I find myself not in the mood for tom-foolery.
God: Jooohn Paaauul, your teachings are misleading My people. You are full of anger and resentment. Do not lead My flock astray.
Pope: (attempts innocent look) Lord, I know not what you speak of.
God: (points finger) Jooohn Paaauul, no one shall know what you speak of, for you shall no longer speak. Your tongue shall be silenced for the things you have said.
(LIGHTNING BOLT)
God: Thou shalt not bear false and shitty witness against thy neighbor, Jooohn Paaauul. Now I must leave you. George is eating a pretzel, and I know just the way to silence his tongue.

And so God doth smote the evil speakers, and it was good.

Rochell Thomas is my all time favorite Watercooler person at tvguide.com. She's completely fabulous in every way. And today was her last contribution to the column. This is devastating news, people. I was so affected by this that I actually sent her a message through the Watercooler website that basically said, "Nooooooo! Don't go! PLEASE DON'T GO!!!" God I'm going to miss her. Of course, this does mean that now they need someone new to cover her night. Hmmmm....

******

Dear TVGuide.com,

I am devastated to learn that Rochell Thomas will be leaving the Watercooler column. However, I realize this means you will need a new Watercooler writer to fill her place. I would like to nominate myself. After all, I already write the Watercooler Wannabe column on my blog, so it would be a seamless transition to begin writing for your official Watercooler column. I will happily fill Rochell's place without pay; I just ask that you purchase cable and Tivo for me.

CHOOSE ME, TVGUIDE.COM, CHOOSE ME!!!!!

******

While speaking on the Watercooler topic, I would like to note that Joey is much funnier if you are tipsy on sangria. And in honor of Rochell, I'm just saying.