confessions of a skinny bitch
kelly | 12 November 2007 - 6:44pm
I have always been thin. Skinny, you might say, although I hate that word. I have never had to work at this. As a teenager, it wasn't uncommon for people to suspect me of being anorexic. I wasn't, have never been anywhere close to that, but I can understand why someone might have wondered, given my thin frame and the fact that my straight-A student, perfectionist personality makes me a textbook candidate. I have actually always had a healthy perspective about my body. If anything, I wanted to be curvier in high school. I didn't like my toothpick legs or knobby knees. It wasn't until after college that I grew into myself and finally got some hips and more shapely legs.
Earlier this year, I didn't have much of an appetite during The Suckazoic Era and so I lost weight. I didn't mind this, since I had been getting a little flabby in places and this certainly took care of that. But when I started feeling better and got my appetite back, I ate voraciously. It was a way to celebrate that I was feeling better, and it was also a way to treat myself for having gone through some shit. ("After the past few months, I totally deserve to eat that" became my mantra.) And given that I'd lost some weight, I figured I had plenty of wiggle room.
So I ate whatever I wanted, which I was always able to do as a kid without gaining a pound. But I'm older now, and apparently that means donuts count. Over a few months I gained back the weight I'd lost, plus a little. Healthwise, this was not a big deal - my weight and BMI were still at the lower end of the normal range. I was just wearing mediums instead of smalls, size 8 pants instead of size 6. The only place it was noticeable was my stomach, which had started doing the muffin top thing in jeans. I hated the muffin top. Rob would pat it sometimes when he walked by. It was an affectionate gesture on his part, but I hated the fact that there was something there to pat, that my stomach was flabby instead of flat.
So in August, I went on the South Beach diet. I was dissatisfied with my body, and yet aware of how stupid that would sound to other people. Before confessing the diet to Doreen, I made her promise not to laugh. "I know I'm not fat," I explained. "At all. But there's some squiginess around the edges, and exercise alone just isn't making it go away."
I dropped the pounds pretty easily. And with extra ab work added to my regular workout, my tummy is pretty much toned again. A few weeks ago Rob put his arms around my waist from behind, his hands resting on my stomach, and said, with a touch of surprise, "There's nothing there to grab!" Damn straight.
The thing is, I'm not sure if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself. I mean, I am much happier with my body. I feel stronger, and sexier. I look better in my clothes. I like what I see when I stand in front of the mirror naked. And yet I feel a little guilty, like I've fallen prey to some societal body image issue. I believe women should embrace their bodies, whatever the size. I hate Barbie and love those Dove commercials. And yet I went on a diet that my doctor would have said was unnecessary. Am I admirable for working to maintain my good figure or am I pathetic for being brainwashed by magazine models?
Obviously there's such a thing as healthy weight loss. Many thin people maintain their size by doing exactly what I did - nipping weight gain in the bud before it gets out of control. I think that's a good thing, as long as we're not striving for a size that's unnatural. And I'm not doing that. I'm not underweight on the charts. One of my co-workers recently complimented me on how "healthy and fit" I look. I'm not wasting away here, people.
But what I'm not proud of is how dismayed I became by a little flabbiness, how quickly I began to compare my belly with the sleek, svelte stomach of Paris Hilton in all those beach paparazzi shots. Utter nonsense, and proof that I'm not immune to the magazines. I don't think my identity should be wrapped up in how I look - but it totally is. I've always been The Skinny Girl. And in addition to my actual accomplishments, part of my confidence comes from looking my best. I wouldn't have admitted it before, but it seems my size plays a larger role in my life that I'd realized. And, sadly, my self-image is less unshakable than it should be.
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Only skinny people hate the word "skinny." :)
I think it's wise to stay on top of things and try to maintain your weight. The bad news is, as you get older this will get more and more difficult. I used to be able to eat anything I wanted, and therefore never developed a sense of self-discipline about what I put in my mouth. Um yeah, I'm paying for it now.
How dare you admit to being (gasp) human? How dare you succumb, like the rest of us, to desiring a form that is popularly held to be beautiful?
While I agree with every thinking person that we should not be bombarded with propaganda that builds within us a need to look one particular way or another, I'm also going to stand up and defend your right to define beauty as you see it, not as I do. So if you feel you look better with a shape like (gulp) Paris Hilton's, don't you dare let anyone tell you differently - or judge you for feeling the way you feel.
As a proponent of the South Beach Diet, I can also point out that losing weight on the diet is only a spin-off effect, a happy bonus, and not the reason the diet was first developed. What SB does is break the cycle of our built-in, life-long, sugar addiction. If you feel you need to justify going on SB to someone (and you shouldn't, of course), you can point out that the vast majority of adults in America are - usually unknowingly - addicted to sugar in its many forms. SB isn't magic - it's just a smarter, healthier way to eat. To feel ashamed of losing weight through SB is like feeling ashamed of losing weight through exercise.
And (just because Rz would expect nothing less of me) ... I bet we'd all like what you see when you stand in front of your mirror naked.
Sounds to me as though you have a pretty healthy outlook and I don't think you need to feel guilty about wanting to look your best. If all the paparazzi shots weren't there for you to look at you probably still would have felt the need to get back to your usual weight (maybe?), so I say go with proud.
I think everyone plays stupid mind games with themselves to some extent over how they look.
But seeing that what you eat affects your body and making a (healthy) change is (duh) healthy.
I love this. Well, not the part about how you sometimes struggle, or that you were feeling bad about making yourself be and look better. But I love the honesty and the writing, and the conversation. Up until the past two years I was always "thin," at least for my height, but I always thought I was fat, was always bigger than my smaller, shorter friends. Or so I thought. Body image is insane sometimes, and insanely interesting. I wish sometimes I could turn off the constant criticism, but then I understand how well those voices can work to aid in motivation, too. My overall point: healthy is good. : )
Beauty in the eye of the beholder and all that.
Feeling good is the most important part ot looking good. By Making yourself feel better first the rest kind of falls into place. Every one should try to look their best. Especially to themselves.
and not to let RZ down..you said knobby knees, shapely legs, SUCKazoic and wiggle. Heh he.
Hell, if you're able to change your diet just a bit and do a few sit-ups to get your body the way you want it, rock it out, baby! IMO, nothing wrong with anything you said in your post! Oh, and speaking of exercise and the like, I'm running a Turkey Trot 5k this Saturday. It's only 3.1 miles, but I've never done one of those before! Boston Marathon, here I come...!!!
By the way, love the word "squiginess!" And, I do believe, the exact word you used when you told me you were going on the diet. :)
Very interesting post. I have often thought of writing about weight and body image, but frankly, the subject is too big for me (slight pun intended). You are talking here about being aware of something in yourself that you would like to change, and exercising the self-discipline and the effort required to change that thing. That is entirely a healthy, good and wise thing. Nothing to apologize for.
Most of my life I was skinny. Then I was average. Then I was, and am, fat. My first twenty-some years, my appearance was my identity in the world. This was not by my choice, or by any effort on my part; just an accident of genetics. Then in my twenties, my endocrine system went nuts. Caused weight gain and infertility, among other things. The treatment for one aspect of the endocrine problem -- the infertility -- also caused weight gain. Over a period of several years of injecting and ingesting various hormones, I gained nearly 100 pounds. It was my, and my husband's choice. We were warned. And it was worth the cost to get what we were trying to get: babies.
To grossly simplify, my appearance was no longer my identity. And I actually welcomed that. For a time. It was eye-opening to experience the world as a person who was judged harshly for appearance, rather than judged to be somehow superior. I found it to be expedient -- the people who were so superficial that they would not want to hang out with a fat person (and I never would have known of that level of superficiality, without having become fat), those people fell away. And others never bothered to get to know me. Again, I saw this as having a social advantage -- I could discern something about people's insides by their reaction to my outside. All those TV shows now where you see models put on fat suits and go out into the world and be treated badly -- all true.
A couple of things about how I've done fat: somehow, and I don't know how this is, I did not attach my self-worth to a scale, ever, whether thin or fat. I never liked being regarded first and most significantly for my appearance. It was not that I regarded myself highly for the way I looked, it was that others communicated to me that that was the value I had, in their eyes. When my appearance was no longer acceptable, anyone who stuck around was there because of my intelligence, my kindness, my abilities -- the things that I had always hoped and wished would be noticed. Things that I (and not just my parents' genes) had some control over. There did come a time when I talked to an endocrinologist and a dietician about my growing weight and what I could do about it. I was told that, with my metabolism, if I ate next to nothing and exercised four hours a day, I MIGHT lose 25 pounds. And that settled it for me. My life was too big (no pun intended), and I had far too much to do, to focus that much on my weight, on my appearance. And I think that is very relevant in seeing the line between when thoughts of weight and body image get out of control -- when it's your primary occupation, when your every waking moment is controlled by what you will eat, how you will work it off -- then it's a problem. But that's not you.
Over the years, since I've stopped pursuing infertility treatment (but still have the endocrine disorder), I've lost and gained, never again reaching my "ideal" weight, nor returning to my highest weight. Last year, with WTF disease, I was told that if I did have ALS, physical exercise would accelerate its progression. That pretty much guaranteed that I sat on my ass most of last year -- and gained weight. Since then, I've found other information that contradicts that thinking, and frankly, even if that's true, I'd rather live my life actively and perhaps more quickly than not live it at all, except sitting around, for a prolonged period of time. So I started moving again. Which I'm sure is healthier in most ways. Except that the more you walk, dance, etc., with WTF disease, the more you fall down. Sometimes these things get complicated.
I will also echo what Shawkey said about age changing things. I think it's important to remain realistic about what bodies do, and to love and be thankful for wherever we are today. There is nothing wrong at all with wanting to be your best in whatever area of life you choose -- including appearance. I think it's important, for women, especially, to actively cultivate those many, many other aspects of ourselves that make us beautiful, and sexy, and appealing. Appearance changes, sometimes in ways beyond our control -- due to time, illness, whatever. As we age, it's important to know what makes us "hot" beyond what's outside. You will always be an extraordinarily appealing woman. Just know that.
And I think I did just write a post about weight and body image. Forgive my taking up your space (damned fat people, always doing that!) ;)
Geez, I could have written that first paragraph, right down to the suspicions of anorexia (which I never had because, hello! I love to eat junk food.)
From one skinny girl to another, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be fit and healthy. I've been in that position of being a little flabby before (uhm, still am!), and the minute I say anything about wanting to lose some weight or tone up, I get made to feel guilty about it with the, "Oh, but you're so skinny already!" and then the, "You want to lose weight? I'm bigger than you, how do you think I feel?!" I think you should be proud of yourself. You did all the right things for yourself, not to impress Paris Hilton and friends.
I really appreciate you writing this, I so relate. Up until I had my daughter at 36, I was like you. Worked out, if I gained a few I could lose it quickly, etc. After having my daughter, I've settled at a weight that is perfectly acceptable for my height and by most standards, I'm thin. But not for me. And as shallow as it is, I care. I hate looking at my body naked but I don't stick to anyone plan and I don't exercise enough. Interestingly, my acupuncturist recommended I do South Beach because I have a rabid sugar addiction and she believes this diet reverses sugar cravings. I didn't do it because the book said if you stop following the plan, than the cravings come back. But I wonder.
Sharkey, that is the hidden curse of being able to eat whatever we want. Someday it starts to count and we're ill-prepared to eat a proper diet. I used to never think about what I ate, but since getting married I've taken an interest in nutrition. We eat very healthfully now, but it's the cravings I've had to work hard against - I always fed those before.
Yes, Nilbo, I chose South Beach after pretty extensive research because it isn't so much a diet as a healthy lifestyle. It made sense to me, and targeted the foods I needed to cut out. At the same time, we actually already did a lot of what was recommended (whole wheats, lean meats, etc.) so it wasn't a difficult diet for me to adjust to. Now then, shall we swap post-diet nude photos? ;)
Thank you, Bente. I think as women we feel the pressure to look perfect and yet we're also made to feel guilty for criticizing ourselves in any way, and during this diet that contradiction came to the forefront for me. I mostly chose to ignore all that and do what seemed healthy to me, but the doubts definitely snuck in.
You're right, Ern. I think when an already-thin person wants to lose weight, people judge - either she has an eating disorder or she's just completely vain. I'm not sure it's really ever perceived as a healthy choice. But it can be healthy. Thanks for backing me up, Doc. :)
Thanks, kerrianne. It took me awhile to work up the nerve (well, not nerve....maybe gumption) to post this, just because I wasn't sure people would get me. Which is stupid, because I've never received anything but understanding and support from the blogworld. And my reason for posting it was this conversation that you mentioned, because I agree that it's very interesting and important.
It's true, William. So much comes from feeling good about yourself. Also feeling yourself, but that is a different post. (Hee, that remark was for Rz, too.)
doreen, that is awesome! Seriously, I am so proud of you! I've considered doing a 5K, but never pursued it. But you are in fantastic shape and are going to ROCK IT.
Susie, thanks for your comment, for blogging naked as you say. I find your personal experience fascinating. It's so revealing of how we define others by their weight and how we can liberate ourselves from that. There's more I could say, but I'm still soaking it all in right now. So just thanks for sharing. I've never met you or seen a picture, but your beauty is apparent to me, to all of us. Feel free to get naked over here anytime you want.
geeky, the reaction you describe is exactly why I kept my diet a secret from most people. Some women at Curves have actually asked me, "Why are you here?" As if exercise is only for overweight people. Maybe they think I should go to the skinny bitch gym or something. If only they knew how much of my life I spent wanting curves.
kristen, I've been relating to your recent posts about changing your eating habits, too. And what you say in your comment about being thin by most standards but not satisfied yourself is how I've felt, too. That's a hard one to admit because people start pointing and screaming "Eating disorder!" but it doesn't necessarily mean that, doesn't have to be that at all. As for South Beach, I would agree that it curbs the cravings. And while you do ease off the more extreme part of the diet, the plan really is for a lifestyle change. And I think ideally if you stick to that, the cravings remain controlled.
whew! with all this p0rn, i really can't concentrate on the subject at hand. now where were we? oh yes, kelly's [hot] bod. wait?! what?! she's pretty, okay? and kalki, i think you're wonderful for taking care of yourself (umm, healthfully...not physically...ahem) and realizing the importance of proper nutrition and a sense of wellbeing.
(so?! did i behave enough? i tried. sheesh, it's difficult behaving!!! gosh, you people are strict.)
(p.s. weirdly enough, i just started a new oldi (that's short for online diary, since i don't like the word "blog") on monday about my progression from an unhealthy 34 year old to a healthy 35 year old...51 days and counting!)
Rz, you behaved as well as can be expected... :) And is your oldi for others to see, or private? Because I'd love to cheer you on if it's open to everyone, but if it's just for you I get that, too.
Um...Can I puke now, or shall I save it until after my 4 course meal?
I'm a size 14, just like Marilyn Monroe. I'm curvy and shaply but according to our society, I am FAT - FAT - FAT.
I work out 4 days a week, watch what I eat, and still our disjointed and SKINNY society thinks I am FAT!
Do you know the average size for U.S. females? Yep! Size 14. But still, we 'average girls' are CHUNKY, CHUBBY, little CHERUBS.
So, size 6 or size 8, you're still one of those lucky people who benefit from a FAST metabolism and a small frame.
I'm thrilled that you have your self-confidence back...Imagine what being 'average' would do for you in this WARPED as FUCK society.
Thanks for letting me spout venom!