Around here I'm known as Mr. Anal Efficiency, a label I wear quite proudly.

Today's episode is about lawn mowing. You see, to me, lawn mowing is a game of optimization. The ultimate goal is to do the least amount of work possible -- not only to minimize my own time input, but also to reduce the environmental impact of this silly activity (lacking catalytic converters, most lawn mowers create a disproportionate amount of air pollution). So I put a lot of thought into mowing efficiently. I carefully plan my route and patterns to avoid driving back over any section I've already mowed. I run the mower at the lowest throttle necessary to get the job done. I painstakingly maximize the width of each pass with the mower, running the edge of the last cut dangerously close to the outer limit of the mower deck (I didn't buy a 42" mower deck to cut 36 inches at a time, dammit!). I even time myself to quantify the efficiency of various patterns. I estimate that over 90% of the time the mower engine is running, the mower is cutting grass.

The result is, coincidentally, a great looking lawn. The rows are straight, each an even width, lacking any extraneous tracks or loops. But while I take some pride from the visual appearance, I take more from my own satisfaction at optimizing the job as much as possible.

So on occasion (as in about once a year), Kelly will decide to mow the lawn. This is great -- I really do appreciate her helping -- but Kelly doesn't exactly share my frame of mind on mowing. Kelly's method of mowing seems to be to drive around in a vague circular pattern until most of the grass seems like it's been mowed. Then she glances back over the area and steers randomly back around to pick up the inevitable missed spots. She swings around in wide circles to return to a spot she could've just backed over in reverse. She says her father instructed her to never use reverse, perhaps for safety reasons, when she was younger. He must've also told her to mow only about half the width of the mower deck with each pass, since that's about all she gets. She avoids any obstacle by a generous mower's width, and swings in a wide arc at the end of a row. She seems to take a random unplanned route, mowing in whatever direction the spirit moves her. I'm pretty sure she drives around at full throttle but is only actually mowing uncut grass about 40% of the time. I seriously think she takes two or three times longer than me to mow the same lawn.

And after Kelly mows, the result is much more... artistic. No parallel straight lines. Instead, there are odd bulging shapes, large loops, random diagonal trajectories, and some missed spots of tall thriving grass. I like to think that pilots overhead are trying to discern the written message in our back yard.

But it's hard to be upset with her when she looks so good doing it.