I'm a friendly person. Not always, but mostly. This wouldn't be a problem except that I find myself getting along with guys more than girls. And that wouldn't be a problem except apparently some guys live on a completely different planet wherein being friendly is entirely misconstrued as flirting. (Which, for the record, it's not. Except apparently for these guys, it totally is.) Or so I've heard.

I'm sure this totally fuckwitted way of thinking doesn't apply to all guys but the problem is I have no idea which ones are from Planet Misinterpret Flirt and which aren't. And so, as you might imagine, this is putting a serious bind on my social interactions. Because every time I find myself talking and smiling and perhaps even laughing with a guy in a friendly but nonflirtatious way, I start second guessing myself and wondering if they think I'm flirting. Not that I chat up random guys all that often, except actually I sorta do because pretty much all of Rob's coworkers are men and they get together fairly often and I sometimes tag along.

So last night we were at such a party. I was there as Rob's wife, for fuck's sake, so there really was no reason why anyone should possibly have thought I was flirting. Duh.

But at one point I found myself outside on the porch, alone with another guy, and we stood there for all of 10 seconds before he said, "We need to go in before people think we're having an affair." And he totally wasn't joking. And I was like, Seriously? You see, apparently porch chatting = affair on Planet Misinterpret Flirt. Because apparently these Flirtians only see and hear what they want, and what they want is, apparently, sex. And so no matter the context of the situation or conversation, a woman's very words and actions will be lifted, spliced together, and misinterpreted as a come-on. And what this means is that at this party, I was pretty much fucked. And I'll let you Flirtians interpret that however you please, since I know you will anyway.

Me: Host Dude, the place looks great. You and Wife have really done a lot of work since the last time I was here.

Host Dude: What did it look like then?

Me: Well, it was probably 8 months ago. You know, when you had that party in the barn? And you all were working on--

Host Dude: 8 months?! Has it been that long since you've been here? That's just wrong. You live like a mile away.

Me: I know, right?! We should totally get together way more often.

Flirtian Translation: I want to live here and have your babies. But since you have a wife, I'll settle for an affair. How convenient that we live so close together - that's just perfect for romps in the barn.

Me: So I'm coming to visit you in a couple months.

Dude from Chicago: Oh yeah?

Me: Well, not you specifically. [Note the BACKTRACKING] But I'm coming along when Rob has that conference in Chicago.

Dude from Chicago: Oh, very cool! Well I'll definitely have you over.

Me: Awesome. [Yes, I say awesome. But not in a flirty way.] I've never been to Chicago before, you know, so you'll have to tell me all the things to do while Rob's busy during the day.

Dude from Chicago: Of course! [starts listing things to do...] You'll love it.

Me: Yeah, my birthday's that week, so it'll be cool to spend it in Chicago.

Dude from Chicago: Your birthday?! Which day?

Me: Um, Friday, I think.

Dude from Chicago: Oh, we are gonna celebrate! Definitely gonna celebrate!

Flirtian Translation: I'm using Rob as a way to come visit you (you, specifically!) in Chicago and I'm counting on you to, ahem, entertain me while he's occupied at his conference each day and oh by the way it'll be my birthday and I'd like nothing better than for you to spank me.

Joke Dude cracks a joke, to me, about one of the guys playing guitar.

A few minutes later, I make a funny remark back to him. Because I don't want to be overheard, I lean in towards him and say it quietly.

Joke Dude grins.

Flirtian Translation: Meet me upstairs in 30 seconds.*

*Note: This is a translation of just the act of leaning in. There were no words to translate because, due to the lean-in, Flirtian didn't hear a word I said.

Friend Dude: We need some shots! You know, some social lubrication.

Me: Oh, I don't need lubrication.

Flirtian Translation: Yeah...this one's sorta obvious. But OKAY, in my defense, y'all, I really didn't mean it like that, truly, and also in my defense, I didn't make eye contact when I said it and ALSO in my defense, I mostly muttered it, you know, to myself, and anyway I don't think he heard me.

But I'm learning. For example, last night I totally bit my tongue right before almost telling one of the musicians, "Oooh, I wanna play with your strumstick!" So there's hope, right?