vital
kelly | 3 April 2006 - 6:25pm
I think what amazes me the most about myself is that I can lead such a charmed life and still take it for fucking granted. I do realize that I'm very blessed. That my most compelling evidence of the universe being against me is that I didn't get to swim with dolphins while vacationing with my husband in the Caribbean just goes to show that I'm the luckiest girl alive. I get that.
And I make a damned good effort not to take it all for granted. I cherish small moments. I appreciate the simple things. I blog bliss bits. I often say to Rob, "We have a really good life, you know?" Sometimes a surge of joy flows over me, out of nowhere, and in those moments I am stunned by, and utterly grateful for, the blessings in my life. But the thing is, whenever something is a daily reality, I think it's nearly impossible not to take it for granted. Not to feel almost entitled.
There's nothing like seeing your husband hold his chest, like feeling him shaking in your arms, like just being in a goddamn emergency room to knock that entitled shit right out the window. I insisted we go to the ER not because I thought there was something seriously wrong but because I knew we both needed to hear that there wasn't. But even so, even though I was almost certain it would be fine, of course I couldn't help but fear, just a little, that maybe it wouldn't.
I'm not sure I'd ever before really stopped to think what my life would be like without Rob. I mean actually thought, realistically, about what it would be like. Obviously he is the largest part of my life, the most important part, but if you'd asked me I would have said just that - that he was a part of it. After all, there are parts that have nothing to do with him. Shopping. Work. The books I read. Many of my friendships. But what I didn't fully realize, until I thought about it this weekend, is that without Rob I'm pretty sure I wouldn't find joy in anything. After living my life with him, I think life without him would be so bleak that it would mean nothing to me, that I wouldn't really care if I had it or not. And honestly, if the pain were anything like I imagine it would be, I think I'd probably prefer not. And I think that means he's much more than a part of my life. I think that means he is my life. And I'm honestly not sure how I feel about that. I suppose the curse that comes with the blessing of being so entwined is that we have become vital to each other. To lose him would be to live without lungs.
Just the thought of it turns my breaths short and tense. So I don't think about it. Instead, I breathe him in. Even more deeply than before. Because the one thing I am entitled to is loving him with all my might.
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You're both so very lucky ... I know you know that. And you know what? It's nice that you say it out loud and write it down and tell the world.
The Luckiest-- by Ben Folds.
you know, i kept waiting for your feedback on his post, but i had no idea that it would be anything like this. to me, when you marry, you become one. you are in him as he is in you. "each in the other what each has to give...." my favorite poem. i'm sorry this happened to ya'll, but may nothing but good come from it all. ::hugs::
Instead, I breathe him in. Even more deeply than before.
Beautiful post, Kelly. (Of course, the silly side of me hopes he doesn't do a Dutch oven on you.)
Mrtl's funny.
And Kelly's eloquent.
This reminds me of a PostSecret from this week. Except it was about a little girl, and not a husband. I wouldn't do what the author said, but I'd definitely feel dead without those two.
It's terrifyingly easy to let our happiness, our joy, our very reasons for breathing become so very dependent on those we hold most dear. You've discovered that Rob is your life. I've known for quite some time that my life is in four equal parts...Deputy Dad and our three beautiful children. They are my life, the air I breathe, my joy, my bliss.
Thank you for reminding me not to take them for granted.
Love and hugs to you, dear.
I've known for a while too, and it scares the shit out of me. So, I try to ignore it. But it is hard to ignore when you go to church and you see the row of elderly widows lined up or clustered together in the pews. It is also hard to ignore during the prayer requests where there are so many people fighting cancer or having surgery for serious disorders. It can be very difficult to hear those, because I empathize far too easily and then I'm left feeling like a little emotional tornado just whirled through my life. And my husband wonders why when I come home from church I just want a big hug from him.
I am so glad that Rob is ok. I know what you mean- if I think about life without Scott...well it doesn't seem like life anymore.
Beautiful post.
I'm glad everything is fine.
Beautifully said. It is frightening the moment we suddenly understand that without another person (or various people) our lives would be, well, far less bright, far less meaningful even. It's definitely frightening, but oh so wonderful at the same time, because I can't help but think that love like that is what this life is all about. :)
Nilbo, I also feel like telling the world that you are "Kelly's Nilbo." (Cat is adorable - am I right?) I can't help it - I like the sound of that.
Wow, those lyrics are perfect. Thanks, william.
Rz, I've known Rob young enough and long enough that in many ways we are completely one. More so than many couples I know (at least when it comes to co-dependence). But, I think it's really important for us to each maintain our own individuality - that makes us stronger as a couple and happier as individuals. What I just realized this weekend is that he infiltrates EVERY aspect of my life, whether it has anything to do with him or not. Part of the joy of shopping is that I know, subconsciously, that I'm coming home to Rob. Part of the joy of reading a book is that I'm doing it in the same room as him. That's always been the case, but I'd never really thought through it before.
Thank you, mrtl. And I do love your silly side.
And amy is fabulous. ;)
Gosh, thanks for reminding me about PostSecret, ieatcrayonz! I haven't been there in forever. I just went and saw the one you were referring to. I can certainly understand the sentiment.
"Terrifyingly easy" says it just right, LadyBug. Because the truth is, I am terrified to think that my happiness rests completely in another person. And yet, it's out of my control - he became my life years ago, easily and effortlessly. Now, go home and ask Deputy Dad to give you two big hugs - one from him, and one from me. :)
Danielle, you sound exactly like me. I am also very affected when I hear about a person losing his/her spouse. I am sorry for them, but mostly I'm empahetic because that is my biggest fear.
"...it doesn't seem like life anymore." That would be exactly it, Amanda B.
Thanks, Ern. Me too.
Hi kerri! Also beautifully said, and I couldn't agree more. Whatever may happen in the end, it was worth it.
beautiful, kelly. i see this at work frequently, people losing people who are their whole world. it really makes you put your life and all your petty grievances in check. i consider it a privilege to have those wonderful reminders in my life of how vital my loved ones really are, and how blessed my life really is. love you both.
*sniff* You guys! Being single never sucked so bad.
::gigantic hug to kranki!!!::
That's the part of your job I'm not sure I could handle, nicole, but I do see how it would give you constant perspective. Thanks so much for your love and support this weekend. We love you too!
::gigantic group hug with Kranki and RzDrms::