Think of the most rational person you know. Some of you may already be thinking of me, but if not, I'm probably a lot like that person. I pride myself in being even-keel, predictable, and responsible. I see myself as a person who understands and manages risks well. I use reason and logic in making decisions, and when there is a lack of information or certainty I often use a probabilistic decision matrix, either consciously or subconsciously.

I like need to feel like I'm in control of situations. I drive a car with a manual transmission because I need to understand and have control over what's going on underneath the hood (the implication here, which is often incorrect, is that I think I know how to shift the gears better than some automatic transmission that doesn't know the road and the driving conditions). I'm a tinkerer, and I use a lot of open source computer software, such as the Linux operating system, because it lets me tweak things and understand their inner workings at a more detailed level. I strive to understand and be able to explain how things work, or at least to understand that complex systems are explainable.

So last night I experienced a situation in which I was out of control, irrational, and emotional. It may sound like it could have been a drunken party, but this incident was actually both sober and sobering.

I had a really minor heart palpitation. It's no big deal, and my rational side knows this. I've had several of them before. It's gone in a second with no pain, like a little hiccup of the heart. Maybe you've experienced this sort of thing yourself.

But this time I heard an irrational voice speaking up inside of me. See, I was a biology major in college, which means I know just enough about my body to ignite my imagination, but not enough to be of practical medical use. The irrational voice took little tidbits of information, magnified their importance, and spun them into ridiculous explanations. Of course, this freaked me out, which made me more tense and anxious, creating a spiraling feedback loop. The voice said, "Maybe that hiccup was some kind of blood clot. I am feeling lightheaded, maybe I just had a stroke. And is that tingling in my right arm? Doesn't that indicate an impending heart attack? Could I even get medical attention here? How long until the paramedics would arrive?" I could feel the fear pumping adrenaline into my veins and I got tense all over. And so the cycle repeats...

At the same time my rational voice was saying, "No, you're fine. Don't be a silly hypochondriac. This has happened before and there was nothing wrong. You're 27 and healthy and at a very low risk of heart trouble. You just need to breathe slowly, calm down, slow your heart rate, and relax."

But it was too late. The irrational voice had incited a physiological response that my rational side couldn't reverse. While I felt the irrational voice causing my blood pressure to rise, my rational side was saying "You're having an anxiety reaction. I can't believe you let this happen. GET CONTROL OF YOURSELF!"

We were at a musical. I stood up and rushed out. Kelly followed, alarmed and frightened. I stood in the lobby, forcing myself to breathe slowly but still freaking out. "I'll be fine," I told her. "I just need to relax. I can't calm down."

"I'm calling an ambulance," Kelly said, sensing my panic and feeding off her own.

"NO!" I hissed. "I am FINE. Just gimme a minute." The rational voice is the only voice with access to my vocal chords. But the irrational voice talks through my facial expressions, body language and, as I now know, my heart.

I sat there in the lobby and tried, but I could not rein it in. I knew I was playing a mind game with myself, but I was not winning. My own mind was out of control, and taking my body with it.

Somehow we were on the way to the hospital. I was scared. My rational voice was still there, piping up in the background, saying, "This is silly. You know you're fine, and you're going to go through this whole emergency room ordeal just to hear a doctor say it." But I was shaking uncontrollably, I was lightheaded, and my heart and mind were racing.

In the end, of course, I was fine. I writhed and sweated until I heard the doctor say it, and once he did I started feeling better. Immediately.

Sheesh. Utterly ridiculous. And embarrassingly irrational. I put Kelly and myself through this whole ordeal for nothing? I was mortified that I had ruined an otherwise delightful night out with four other friends. They cut their evening short, drove me to the ER, and waited with Kelly the whole time. (I'm very sorry guys! Thanks for being so supportive and understanding!)

People settle quarrels between their rational side and their irrational side all the time. You do it a hundred times a day. No, a thousand. My rational side almost always wins out, but last night it lost big time. What I learned is that your rational mind can master a lot of things, but it is not always in control of your whole mind and body.

And that can be very scary and very real.