itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini
kelly | 21 March 2006 - 12:55am
In a few days, Rob and I are going on a trip. Pretty much every big trip we've been on the past few years has been at least partly work-related for Rob. That's not a complaint; it's just to say that he never really stops working. He needs a break. I need a break. So we're taking a break.
Rob's requirement for the trip was that we go somewhere we can truly, fully relax. My requirement for the trip was that we go somewhere warm. So we're flying to Puerto Rico where we'll spend a little time before hopping aboard a cruise.
In preparation for this, I've been shopping. My list: shoes, dress, swimsuit, sunglasses. (Heh, try saying that with a lisp. No really, try it. I just did and totally cracked myself up.)
So, regarding the swimsuit. I had the to-bikini-or-not-to-bikini debate. I mean, I think I can pull it off, but what if I can't? But then, I've always been able to pull it off. But then, I don't quite have the super-flat abs I did when I was 17. But then again, I would say I'm in the best shape I've ever been in. But, what if I'm deceiving myself? I mean, some women look in the mirror and see themselves as fatter than they are - what if when I look in the mirror, I see myself as hotter than I am? Above all I DO NOT want to be that woman who OBVIOUSLY should not be wearing a bikini and yet is, due to a refusal to bid her youth a fond farewell. I am glad that woman is comfortable in her own skin. I am. But the truth is, I am NOT comfortable seeing that much of her skin. And that makes me a snooty skinny bitch but I'm okay with that.
Just to be sure that I'm not That Woman, I stood in front of Rob in my bra and underwear and asked if he thought a bikini would be an appropriate choice. He said, without hesitation, "Of course." Which did absolutely nothing to ease my mind because I realized that, given that I was standing there in practically nothing, surely what he heard me saying was "Wanna have sex?" to which he unhesitatingly responded, "Of course!" So yeah, not helpful.
My yoga instructor is who finally helped me make the decision. Indirectly. When I walked into yoga (wearing the cute green pants which had been totally wasted on that other "yoga" bitch), Her Hotness said, "Those pants are cute!" OH YES SHE FUCKING DID! Jackpot, people! Because everyone knows that "Those pants are cute!" is what girls say to each other when they're thinking, "Nice ass."
So I spent all of class beaming. Totally thinking I was hot stuff, right? And then immediately after, I went swimsuit shopping, still beaming and still thinking I was hot stuff. And suddenly the choice was obvious - of course I should buy a bikini. My hot yoga instructor thinks I have a nice ass! If that doesn't say bikini material then I don't know what does! So I tried one on. And I fucking owned it.
I was doing all the things one does when trying on a swimsuit. You know, strutting around with a pretend towel over one's shoulder, all the while checking out one's ass in the mirror. (Well okay, so given the size of most dressing rooms, it's really less strutting and more small-step shuffling. But still, that's sufficient for ass-appraisal.) Going through the motions of lathering lotion on one's legs, all the while checking the mirror to ensure that while sufficient cleavage is showing, there's no peek-a-boo sideshow. Simulating swimming with sweeping arm motions in a dizzying display of one's swim-stroke skills (breaststroke, backstroke, sidestroke, freestyle, and butterfly), all the while...yeah, so there's no real purpose to that one. It's just fun. And through all of it, I was owning that bikini. I even did a downward dog, in honor of my instructor. (And I'll have you know that I'll be adding this move to my bikini-testing repertoire. If you look through your legs into the mirror, you can evaluate both the tautness of your ass and the level of restraint the bikini top provides against gravity.)
Of course now, a day later, I'm worrying that I wasn't so much owning the bikini as I was just intoxicated by my yoga lover's compliment and so thought I was owning the bikini. But then again, attitude is key in successful bikini wearing. So I figure as long as I crank "Doncha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me" (I love that song - please don't judge) in my iPod headphones, I'll be good to go.
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Don't we get a picture of this bikini? I'm sure you'd have an entire panel willing to tell you just how hot you look in it.
You know who you really don't want to be? You really don't want to be that person who is breathtakingly hot but who won't believe it, so she's always saying "I probably shouldn't wear a bikini because my abs aren't as flat as they used to be," and you have to nod sympathetically and all the while you're trying to remember the last time you even thought about your abs, and you idly wonder how they're doing, buried way under those layers.
So you have an urge to slap this person silly, but then she's talking about how her ass is starting to look all huge and saggy, and you look at her ass and you know that if you bounced a dime on it there would be danger of putting someone's eye out from the ricochet. And you're afraid to look back in the mirror at your own ass because you need one of those three-fold mirrors to take it all in, and it looks like you're trying to shoplift an ottoman.
And then she says something about the fucking downward dog position, and you think to yourself "I couldn't get into that position if a terrorist ordered me to at gunpoint." And so you shrink deep into yourself and bite back the urge to be bitter and angry and instead you hope she has a wonderful holiday and will post lots and lots of pictures of herself on holiday in that hot bathing suit because sure, nothing you like better than sitting at your monitor sobbing about your lost youth and a body you can never have again.
And really, you're sincere in your good wishes, because what the hell - she's a wonderful, sweet person and a kick-ass writer and funny to boot (although you think sometimes it would be funny to boot her up the ass when she questions her own painfully self-evident hotness). And anyway, you know deep down that if someone waved a wand and gave you a body like hers, you'd run it into the ground in a month.
So, hey ... enjoy.
I think that's a fine theme song, Kelly. I think of my ex every time I hear it. LOL I hope you and Rob have a great vacation! I'm sure you'll be the hottest chick on the beach!
Evil Temptress, stop using the phrase "pull it off" while having us envision you in a bikini. Sex, fucking, cleavage, ass, ass, ass, breast, stroke, stroke, stroke.
(Rob, she sounds like she really was asking it you wanted to have sex. Take care of her, wouldja?)
As president of the Oh No She Didn't Just Wear That in Public Club, I hereby allow you to wear the bikini in Puerto Rico.
I would also like to congratulate you on receiving the "My Yoga Instructor Checked Out My Hot Pants" award, which automatically elevates you to the "Bikini on the Beach" status.
However, as one who knows that she should not EVER wear a bikini in public, I hope to be a position where I could write a post like this next year, should I be so inclined. I did Pilates last night, so I am totally on my way.
Oh, where to begin?...
1. I'm totally excited for you and Rob (and a wee bit envious, I'll admit). And how nice that you'll be JUST relaxing, and not trying to fit in some relaxation and sightseeing in between Rob's work jaunts.
2. I love the part about Rob's "Of course." He probably DID hear, "Wanna have sex?" (Of course, it's equally possible he heard, "Do you want a blowjob?")
3. Congrats on the compliment from your hot yoga instructor. With those four little words - "Those pants are cute!" - she's managed to tell you everything you needed to know: (a) she's totally checking you out; and (b) she thinks you're hot, too! That ought to keep you on a natural high for weeks!
4. I could totally picture you doing the strutting (shuffle-stepping), etc. in the dressing room. Hee. And going through the swim strokes totally serves a purpose! How else can you make sure nothing's going to...umm...pop out while you're frolicking in the water? (And you KNOW you guys will be doing some serious frolicking!)
5. I'm reconsidering my use of the word jaunt in #1. It sounds silly, the more I say it. Jaunt, jaunt, jaunt. Like jaunty. Ah, hell, forget it. After all, I've also used the words blowjob and frolicking (twice). That, combined with my overuse of italics, should make it painfully obvious that my caffeine hasn't kicked in yet.
P.S. I just realized that this post explains this week's tagline. Love it!
Do women really go through this much thought when it comes to buying a bathing suit?
William .. dude .. what are you, new? Women go through this when they want to buy JEANS.
(coughs...Pictures...)
Honey, first of all I'm sure you'll look fantastic, but rest assured, no matter what...there will always be someone with a flatter tummy (and yes, it's OK to call her a bitch) AND someone with more rolls than you on the beach. You and your ass are just fine.
Ooh, Bente, it could be the klog version of Hot or Not! Wait, that's a terrifying idea. :)
Yeah, Nilbo, I hate people like that. Oh wait. Actually, I'm rarely a self-doubter. I err on the side of overconfident most of the time. But when it comes to donning a bikini, I think a healthy dose of realistic self-evaluation is not only essential, but should be required. Me included. And for the record, I think you would be totally hot in a two-piece.
Hi Jennifer! Okay, are you reading my mind or what? I had actually referred to that song as my theme song in this post, but then I changed it because I didn't want people to think I was a relationship wrecker or something. But okay, fine....it's totally my theme song. There, I said it. :)
Metro - God I love comment porn. Now I'm all hot and bothered. And dude, I can totally tell you're doing yoga because of the sexual energy you're exuding. ;)
Gosh, ieatcrayonz, I feel so official! Thank you. And girl, next year we will rock the beach together, mmmkay? We'll be the Blingo Bikini Babes.
LadyBug,
1. Thank you. It will be good to get away for a bit.
2. I cannot believe you just said blowjob.
3. I know, right?! It was awesome. Before, I had assumed it was just infatuation on my part, but now I'm thinking we may actually be in love.
4. Ohmygosh, have you ever jumped into a swimming pool just to have the impact of the water send your top right OVER your boobs? And then you're hurrying under the water to YANK it back into place before you break the surface and unintentionally provide Girls Gone Wild footage?! Wait, that only happens to us flat-chested types, doesn't it?
5. L O freaking L. I happen to love the word jaunt, actually. And I cannot believe you said blowjob again! Hee, love you.
William, society encourages women to exploit themselves but simultaneously expects us to embody perfection. As a result, we are torn between feeling we should flaunt what we got and suffering crippling self-doubt that what we have doesn't meet societal (skewed) standards of beauty. (Okay, enough of that. Sometimes I just get a kick out of talking in my Feminist Voice. What I meant to say was "Dude, you have no idea.")
OMG, Nilbo is so right. I will try on dozens and dozens of jeans over many months' time looking for the perfect pair. It's not easy finding a pair that accentuates my ass but doesn't make me look like J. Lo. And they have to sit on my hips just right and the back pockets have to be the right shape and they have to pass the sitting/standing/walking/crouching length test. And then of course there's the issue of what color thread is used on the seams...Yeah, don't even get me started on JEANS.
Thank you, TKW. You're the best. Can I adopt you as the big sister I never had? :)
there best be internet access on that boat. ::twitch twitch::
but kelly, what did this bikini LOOK like? i read the whole entry carefully- twice- to make sure i wasn't just missing the full description of this swimsuit which caused so much grief. not that your entire entry wasn't riveting, but c'mon, the fashionistas of the world need to know the details of this swimsuit!!! please, do tell!!!
I can understand how this might be a difficult decision, if there were really any other option...
Gawd, I need to go shopping ALONE so I can do some butterflying in the changeroom. It sounds really fun.
And seriously, do you really think you could be one of those people who people think should not be wearing a bikini? I think you prolly look more like one of those people IN the pictures of the hot vacation spots in that bikini. The ones that make people want to jump on a plane so they can come frolic with you.
I'm picturing you in a teensy weensy dressing room in an eensy weensy bikini... doing the downward dog.
And now I just feel dirty.
Hey, Kell? This pint of Ben & Jerry's Dublin Mudslide ice cream I've got right here? I'm effing owning it! I am! Owning it good! OWNAGE.
And HEE. You crack me RIGHT UP. Your posts always kick some ass. Metaphorically speaking, naturally.
Well how fantastic that you are going somewhere warm where you can frolic!
As to the rest, I fear I am usually on the verge of shouldn't be wearing a bikini but do it for my husband cause he likes me as I am and there will always be someone heavier wearing one too. So, I usually put on the bikini, check for obvious fit errors all the while detesting the mirrors and yellow light in the changing room and how dorky I look with socks on, but my feet are coooooold cause it is frickin _winter_ you know, so why would I take my socks off? and then I buy it.
And then I don't buy another one for years, because it's black and white and black is always in style right? ;-)
Ohgoodness I almost woke the baby with a loud guffaw. You crack me up with your skinny bitchiness... and a little sick, too, but I still love you.
Yo, you haven't given your iPod over to that workout gospel muzak yet?
Actually, this will be the first trip I've taken without bringing klog along, Rz. ::twitch twitch:: indeed.
It's frickin' hard to explain, is what it looks like, nicole. It's black, with a pink circle on one boob and a white circle on the other. Well, not ON the boob - that would be weird. Off to the side. And maybe they're half circles? I forget. The top is a halter that TIES. TIES! As in, if it comes UN-TIED...yeah, you know what happens. WTF? were they thinking?
Mojo, there are other options, but none that do justice to someone with an ass like a ten year-old boy's.
Thank you, Amy. You're good to me. But you know who would be really hot in a swimsuit? Rob's armless lovah! Her tummy was TONED, let me tell you.
cat, you crack ME right up. Every time. And the thing is, you can own that pint of ice cream and still own a bikini. I know because I'm the same way - people have every reason to hate us.
Danielle, too funny - I had the same sock issue on Sunday. I ended up taking them off, though, because keeping them on just did NOT seem right. Plus they made my legs look short.
I love you too, mrtl! Smooches to Baby Jem!
As soon as they come out with a hymn about lust or vanity, Bucky, I am THERE.
I'm exuding sexual energy? So I appear even more sex-deprived than usual? Somehow you make my unfettered horniness sound like a good thing.
Oh, and just for the record, I do believe that Ladybug said "blowjob." She's a temptress too.
i have combined parts of closet metro's comments and parts of ladybug's comments to create the perfect evening filled with romance and love. awww, heck, forget the friggin' romance. let's face it...it's pure porn.
Truth is, CM, we're all out to tempt you. We can't help ourselves. ;)
And it is gooood, Rz!
See, I'm just, it's like (snort) BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
'kay, I just have this image of some poor security lady watching the shoplifting cam for the dressing room when Kelly is strutting her bikini stuff and I practically snorted my drink out my nose onto my keyboard.
I can just visualise the changing room shaking with all your testing. I am sure your ass looks fierce and you will have all sorts of ladies eating their hearts out in jealousy. Have the best time.
me, I did give quite a show. Girls Gone Wild: Dressing Room edition. Or something like that.
My ass did look rather fierce, Von, if I do say so myself. ;)