weak at the knees
kelly | 6 March 2006 - 11:48am
I only caught the last hour or so of the Oscars last night (which, really, isn't that WAY more than enough?) but I have no doubt that the best moment of the night was when Jennifer Garner came onstage.
I might have a wee bit of a crush on Jennifer Garner which I might possibly exhibit by accusing Rob of being in love with her. When we're watching Alias and she comes on the screen, I'm all, "Rob! There's your girl! There's your WOMAN!" And he's like, "I don't know why you think Jennifer Garner is my girl," and I'm all, "Because you loooove her! Because you think she's hot!" And he's like, "She's alright," and I'm all, "Alright? Alright?! She is totally HOT! Dude, come on! Look at her! LOOK at her!"
So last night Jennifer Garner was walking to the mic looking lovely as usual and I was all, "Rob! Here comes your girl! Here comes your- WHOA!" Because she almost fell! Like, major wobble in her walk, right? I leapt forward from the sofa to catch her, in fact, and not just because it would have been a good excuse to grab a little ass. But because I sincerely care, okay?
Fortunately she steadied herself but, still, I was so embarrassed for her. But then she reached the microphone and quipped, "Thanks. I do my own stunts." And that was the most perfect thing for her to say at that moment. I mean, there has not been a more fabulous recovery since Carrie Bradshaw picked herself up off the runway, after falling on her ass, and flaunted her Dolce & Gabbana jeweled underwear with style and a smile.
But do you think my girl Garner just came up with that remark in the moment or had she planned what she'd say if she fell? Because I would totally plan it. For sure. If I were presenting an Oscar, I would have back-up plans for everything. What to say if I tripped and fell. What to say if the teleprompter broke. What to say if the card they gave me with the winner's name was somehow blank. (It could happen! And in that case, I would proclaim the winner to be JOHN STAMOS. Duh.) What to say if my boob popped out of my dress as I handed over the trophy. (Something to Stud Stamos about copping a feel. Duh.) What to say if Academy Award winner John Stamos proposed to me as part of his acceptance speech. (Um, "Yes please!" because in this situation I am clearly not married to Rob because I am presenting at the Oscars which means I am famous which means I either live in California or New York and neither of those are places Rob would ever live which means we've never even met and so I'm free to fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming Mrs. John Stamos. Duh.)
Okay, I've completely distracted myself now and have no idea what I was even talking about...
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I just... ... I just love you, is all. MWAH!
OMG. I do the same thing with Shaun. "SHAUNNNNNNN!!!! your girlfriend is on!!!"
I think he's on to me though.
OF COURSE, there is the woman I don't like him liking and go out of my way to make sure he is completely grossed out after seeing her, Elizabeth Hurley.
"Shaun, look at her. I bet she doesn't shave her muff. I bet that sucker is crazy big!"
"Kristine, stop picking on my girlfriend."
"Shaun...for real...I bet that muff hair puffs out her big ol' grannie panties and wraps all the way to her bunghole."
"GOD KRISTINE, MUST YOU GO THERE!! GROSS."
Mission accomplished. I am not insecure. NOOOOOO way.
He is NOT putting that woman on his list of celebs he is allowed to sleep with if the situation presents itself. no way.
Garner is waaay better than alright.
(Kristine, you are a sick, sick woman.)
Must go desanitize self after reading Kristine's comment...
Me thinks that if your boob popped out during the hand off, that would be the trophy. That is, if Nilbo were accepting the award.
I keep saying this ..you are much hotter than Jennifer Garner. The odds of John Stamos winning an oscar are the same as you being a presenter at the oscars.
As further evidence of the fact that your John Stamos fantasy du jour takes place in an alternate reality, I'd like to point out that Johnny has never been in a movie that any member of the Academy is likely to have even seen, let alone voted for. Look it up.
So unless Ang Lee decides to tap him for his next cinematic masterpiece, I'd say it's unlikely he'd be on one knee, clutching a freshly minted Oscar and gazing into your eyes...
Please don't ban me forever from klog... :-/
I'm speechless after reading Kristine's comment. Ugh! I'll never think of Liz without that image. Thanks. NOT!
The following is a public service announcement. Anyone wishing to reassure themselves as to the extent of Ms. Hurley's curlies will find ample solace in the arms of Google Images. Thank you.
Phrase of the day: Ms. Hurley's curlies.
*snork*
I'm sure Rob would live in CA or NY for the right opportunity, but he should probably divorce you anyway, just for implying that your slummin' with him. That is not mojo-tastic of you.
MWAH! to you, LB.
Dear sweet lord, kristine! LOL! I am totally going to try that grossing out tactic with Rob re: Catherine Zeta Jones. You are brilliant, girl!
Metro - I know, right? She's way hot.
Heh, maybe they could dip my boob in bronze, ieatcrayonz! Sorry, that was random.
Thanks, william dear. And so you're saying that my chances of presenting at the Oscars are, like, really good, right? I mean, John Stamos is thisclose, dude. I'm telling you!
You are walking a FINE LINE, michael! It's a good thing I think you're funny, dude! And you get major points for the "Hurley's curlies" thing - that was awesome.
mrtl, I would pay money to spend time in the Random and Odd household. Those people are crazy!
Aw come on, Mojo, it's clear to everyone who stops by here that I worship my man. And, for the record, I think Catherine Zeta Jones might be the only "opportunity" Rob would consider moving to CA or NY for. (Just don't tell him she spends most of her time in Bermuda.)
That was my favorite part too. She handled that SOOOO well. I love her now.
Lordy! You crack me up in such a great way.
OMG. I just wet myself reading Michaels comment. Mrs. Hurley's Curleys is the most classic line EVER.
We would LOVE to have you here. Of course, I would put you to work folding laundry and finding shoes.
OK, now I have to figure out what to do to make you famous, so you will be asked to present at the Oscars, so that possibly the envelope might be blank and you can call out my name. Really, it's my best shot. Not getting there on the acting parts, although my agent says he might be able to get me an audition for "Brokeback II: The Terror Continues".
And I'll absolutely propose. Done deal. I'll promise anything for one more chance at undeserved fame.
If this doesn't work, my next plan is to violate the restraining order against Mary Kate and Ashley. I figure an arrest will be good for a 30-second "Whatever happened to ...?" shot on Access Hollywood. Better than nothing.
They must have a repetoire of witty things to say "just in Case"...I know I would because if that were me and spontaneity were what I had to rely in it would be something like, "Damn, I can't believe I did that! They don't call me Grace for nothing!"
Stuuuuuuuuuuuupid. Doh.
Oh, dear, please tell me you won't utter that pack of hairy-ass lies about Catherine Zeta Jones.
But say it all you want about Pam Anderson.
You wanted to smooch her, didn't you Amanda B.? I know I did.
Aww, thanks Kranki.
Ooh, I love to fold laundry, kristine! I do! But you have to promise me a John Stamos sighting, okay? Hey, we could take the BAMF and D-Fiddy and become professional stalkers!
Nilbo, is that you? Dude, you're just jealous that John Stamos gets to fondle my bronzed breast.
Hee, TKW! I would probably pretend it didn't happen, and even go to great lengths to deny that it had happened, despite the fact that millions of people clearly SAW it happen.
Bucky Four-Eyes, please don't tell me you're a CZJ devotee. You're better than that. And actually, with Pamela Anderson, I hear the issue is nipple hair.
you are such a goof. You make me laugh.
And I promise I will come up with a more meaningful comment one of these times, mmmmkay?
Yay, Danielle's back! :)