I spy
kelly | 1 March 2006 - 1:42pm
Sometimes I like to pretend I'm a spy. Like, I'll pick out some random car on the road and see how far I can follow it without the driver noticing. Or while shopping I'll trail some stranger through the store, darting down aisles and ducking behind shelves. You know, just for the hell of it. This behavior has gotten worse since I started watching Alias, although the truth is that the show has made me realize that I would totally suck at being a spy. I am the most scaredy-cat wuss that has ever existed. I will watch the majority of an episode while hiding behind my hands; even benign scenes like Sydney making dinner at home freak me out. I'm peering through splayed fingers, one eye open, and Rob is like, "What are you doing? She's in her apartment!"
"Yeah, but someone is going to pop out of her microwave. You just wait! OH! Was that a shadow behind her sofa?! Oh god, oh god, oh god, she's going to die! I can't watch. Tell me what happens."
Then Rob will sigh and say rather condescendingly, "Okay, she's making spaghetti....she's stirring the sauce....she's setting the tab-"
"There's someone under the table, right?! IS THERE SOMEONE UNDER THE TABLE?"
Since I don't have what it takes to be an actual spy, I figure the closest I'll ever get is knowing someone who is. And so I convince myself that people in my life are secret agents. Like my friend Sydney, whose real name isn't Sydney but I nicknamed her that after Sydney Bristow. She could totally be a spy. She probably is, in fact. I've even accused Rob of it before. Our favorite Alias character is Marshall the geek-genius who rigs up all kinds of cool stuff for the agents. His wife thinks that he works at a bank. Once she called his cell when he was at work and he was like, "Oh yes, busy day at the bank today," and I cast a sideways glance at Rob and said, "You could totally be a spy and I'd never know it."
"Yeah, I could." He says shit like that just to mess with me.
"But you'd tell me, right?"
"No. If I were a spy, I couldn't tell you."
I pouted until the commercial break and then I asked, "But you aren't one, are you?"
"Aren't what?"
"A spy."
"No. But then," he added with a sly smile, "if I were one I'd still say no."
"Well, just for the record, if you are a spy, I don't approve. That's dangerous and shit."
"Mm-hmm."
"But come to think of it, I bet you totally are! I mean, really, your company would be the perfect cover for an espionage agency! Like, WAY better than a bank. Ooh! When we went to London, you were on a mission, weren't you? Oh but wait - they would never let you take your wife along on a mission. Ooh! But they might if they thought that otherwise I'd get suspicious! Yeah, dude, I've figured it out. You're totally a spy!.... SHIT! Am I in danger?! Those people will kidnap wives, you know!"
"What people?"
"The enemy, Rob. THE ENEMY!"
Okay, so obviously I am way too paranoid to ever be a spy. But still, I like to pretend. And yesterday I had a major kick-ass spy moment. I occasionally need to use our secretary's computer to email a certain type of file that I can't send from my computer. So yesterday I walked down to her office to ask if I could borrow her computer for a minute, but she wasn't there. So I sat down and logged onto the network and then thought, "Oooh! I wonder if I can do this before she gets back! Like I'm a spy! She won't ever even know that I was here!" (Of course, it was totally fine that I was there because I do this all the time, but still. This was WAY more fun.) So I hunched down over the keyboard like they always do on tv, found my file on the network, and downloaded it to the desktop. It was just like on Alias when Rachel first learned that the government agency she worked for was actually a secret evil organization and so she became a double agent and pretended to be working at her computer but actually she was downloading a super-important encryption key from the network! It was just like that.
Then I heard someone approaching. Oh shit! Abort! ABORT! But it wasn't the secretary - just a co-worker wandering by. I considered flinging myself under the desk or at least hiding my head behind the monitor until he passed, but then I figured it didn't matter if he saw me because there's no way he could possibly realize that I'm an operative. So I just played it cool when he said hi and started chit-chatting. I was like, "Oh, snow in the forecast? Really?" all the while launching email and attaching the file, my heart pounding, thinking Hurry, hurry, hurry - she could get back any minute! but totally maintaining a calm and collected front with my colleague, right? And then the message sent and I quickly logged out of email. Still chatting so as to appear completely innocent, I then opened the trash folder, dragged the files that were in it to the desktop, dragged my file to the trash and emptied the trash to destroy the evidence, and then dragged her files back into the trash. Seriously, am I good or what? Then I hopped up, politely excused myself, and walked-ran out of there. And as I turned the corner just beyond her office, There She Was. The secretary! On her way back! As I passed her, I smiled and said, "Oh, hey! How are you?" You know, casual. But I was thinking, WHOA. That was a close one.
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if the secretary's computer at work is a PC, you can just find the file you want to delete, press the "Shift" key, then right-click on the file and choose "Delete." that will delete the file completely without putting it into the "Trash" folder first. and i'm (nosily) wondering what kind of file you couldn't e-mail directly from your machine? must be a mac environment. d@mn macs. ;)
Rz - Well yes, good point. But you see, I had to be true to the ways of espionage and rarely do spies do things the easy way. I mean, how many times have I said to Rob, "Huh? Why didn't they just blah-blah-blah? That would have been far less risky and taken half the time!" And yes, it would have, but then they would have gotten out of there with time to spare, and what fun is that? :)
You absolutely crack me up. Love you!
(lyme)
p.s. when we went on those hikes in college in our outdoors club, do you think Rob was actually on a mission--picking up a secret package at the top of the mountain or something like that? Yeah, it all seems so innocent now--"Hey, I have an idea for a trip--what about a hike up to Greentop Peak? Yeah, everybody would enjoy that!" All the while, the college is really footing the bill for his espionage work. Sneaky Rob...very sneaky. And don't even get me started about that one trip to IHOP. I KNOW there was something "spy-ey" going on THERE!
1. You are much Hotter than the chick from Alias so you could be a spy.
2. Rob is a spy who does wicked math with sweeping skills which he probably learned at the academy when he was learning to sweep for bugs.
3. Following people in stores is called stalking and not spyin and people who use the same tactics are from an Amway type of organization that will tell someone they like their purse only to try and lure them into a pyramid sceme.
4.There is a picture somewhere on your site with you and Doreen doing your best spy impersonation.
5. I can't belive that I am up to #5.
And when the secretary rounded the corner, the coworker you were talking to said, "Did you see how weird and nervous Kelly is acting? I think she may be embezzling money."
Bug sweeping - damn that William is GOOD.
But he's onto something. Rob's work is definitely a spy agency. Why else would they make it so damn difficult to find your way out of the bathroom? It's like they hire people to run around and arrange the floor layout just to trip you up. Yeah, that's it. ;)
Why do you think your coded message spooked us so much? We though you had figured it out.
Last Friday I got to go on a stakeout with my husband. You know with the multiple cars in different locations, coordinating moves on the handheld radios and all. Then the time came for the suspect to show up. The decoy was in place...a truck pulled up...we moved in...pulled two guys out...and...yeah, wrong guys! The suspect didn't show, but personally I think he was probably watching from somewhere because that is what I would have done if it were me.
Nicely done with the trash thingy. Hm... I never thought about it before, but I've got some similar, um, ideosyncracies.
I do the car-following thing too sometimes. And I also occasionally check to make sure that I'm not being followed. If I recognize a car a few times, I will try to slow down and see if it passes me.
Also, at work I try to get candy from people's communal desk bowls, and coffee from the communal pot, without anyone seeing, for no reason at all.
I strafe around corners. I have ever since I started playing Quake. And I hate. HATE. to sit with my back to a door or window.
Not to mention the fact that I use a pseudonym on my blog, and take pains not to ever reveal my geographical location, my employer, or the names of my family members.
Also, I have been to Prague. I think that counts. And I used to live in East Berlin.
Maybe I'm such an awesome spy that I don't even know it.
Oh, by the way, congratulations on getting through a post without sex. :)
Maybe that's why you and Rob use to live back in the woods in that secluded cabin that just so happened to get broadband. What really happened back there? :)
I've always wanted to be a spy too. That's actually why I went to university, you have to have a degree in something to be accepted into the training program they have (In Canada, that is). I only ended up going to uni for a year though and changed my mind about the whole spy thing because I got told that it's really hard to have a family and be a spy and I guess I wanted a family more. I doubt I'd have gotten in anyway. Did you know they go all the way back to your elementary school and talk to teachers and look at all your files?!
Oh holy heavens, these comments are cracking me up!
Come to think of it, Doreen, those trips do seem awfully suspicious!! I mean, he took us the most freaking random places! And IHOP?! How could I forget IHOP?! I can't, that's how! Because THAT was seriously suspicious!! ;)
william-
1. You're totally my favorite person for saying that. :)
2. His math skills are suspiciously well-honed. And sweeping for bugs cracked me up.
3. L O freaking L!
4. Oh yeah! I forgot I'd posted that photo! It's actually RN, not Doreen. But anyway. I think I'll link to it in my post, too.
5. As always, thanks for being here, big blog bro.
LOL, LadyBug!!! (And totally true, I'm sure. Hee!)
HA, ieatcrayonz! But I know, right?! I mean, WHY ELSE WOULD ANYONE HIDE THE BATHROOM BEHIND THE DAMN KITCHEN?!!! Seriously.
Hee, good one, Mojo. And you have every reason to be worried, dude. I'm so onto you.
OMG, Di, that is awesome!! A decoy and everything?! I am completely jealous. That kicks ass!!!
Okay michael, I don't even know where to start. SO many things to say here.
-I also try to lose cars who follow me for too long - take a sudden turn to the right, stuff like that. Just to amuse myself.
-I also try to snatch things surreptitiously - interoffice envelopes, paperclips, etc. - for no reason.
-Your Prague comment was hilarious, as was your 'awesome spy' theory. Hee!
-Yeah, Rob said my blog had found a permanent home in the gutter. I had to prove him wrong. :)
See, JLD is thinking like a spy! That was always a bit suspicious, huh? But I'm not telling... :)
Nuh-FREAKING-uh, Bente! Are you for real?! Because that is seriously way frickin' cool! You were going to be a spy? A REAL SPY?!! Ohmygosh. (I'm like you, though - probably wouldn't have actually wanted it badly enough to go through all that crap. I mean, I wanted to be a doctor too, but not enough to go to school for that long.) But, no wonder you like geocaching. :)
Too funny!
I used to be such a good liar, I would have been a perfect spy. I was like the uncrackable ice queen. But then something happened to me, sometime around the age of 20 and now I can no longer keep a straight face. Even if I'm telling the truth.
BTW, I kept waiting for you to work sex into the story. But you DIDN'T! And yesterday was a guest post from Rob; no sex there. That's TWO days without a klogasm! You better give me my fix tomorrow!
I'm wondering what kind of illustrious exploits are performed by Canadian spies. Perhaps:
Sorry, I love Canada, and I know you guys are tired of this crap from us Yanks. But I had to...
I think Kelly is a spy. She gets us all worked up with yoga instructors, and alone with her and Rob at that!! Then, she 'pretends' that Rob may be a spy, just to throw us off. Yea, thats it.
"Snow in the forecast" ...? Oh, right, and "The ship is in the harbour" and "The crow flies at midnight".
You're totally a spy. That Geocaching thing? Oh, like a spy wouldn't have a GPS unit on her at all times.
I was never fooled.
crack.me.up.
You are the next Bond Girl.
The jig is up.
You almost had me fooled with the Trash thing. I actually checked Trash to see if you'd dumped something there and forgotten to empty it, but no, all the things I had put there were still there. BUT...then I noticed that they all had been accessed on TODAY'S DATE. As in, someone had totally dragged all my trash to the desktop, put her trash in the Trash, emptied the Trash, and then put all my trash back in the Trash.
You are sooooo busted.
Ern, I have never been able to keep a straight face. Ever. It sucks. And re: the sex - Rob intentionally avoided the topic because he was making an effort to "save the blog from the gutter." (I know, right? RUDE.) But there is no excuse for my negligence (huh, never noticed before that negligence is a lot like negligee - perhaps both come from negligible?). I mean, spies are all about sex! That's what they do most of the time!! What was I thinking?!
michael, I will admit to laughing at this (like, a lot) but I will not contribute further for fear of the wrath of the Canadians. (Ha! Wrath of the Canadians. As if.)
I'm pleading the Fifth, dawn. :)
Nilbo, this means I'll have to kill you. Well, maybe not kill - how about kidnap? Yeah, tie you up and keep you in the basement. Naughty.
Howdy, mrtl love!
Ooh, I would love to be a Bond Girl, CM!!
But, Secretary, did you notice that I stole your highlighter? Hmmmm?! Yeah, that's what I thought!
Damn, you are fun to read.
Hey there Kelly, I made a reply to your comment over at Susie's place.
Your life sounds like so much fun. Can I hang out with you?
Aww, thanks Amy.
Gotcha, dawn! We're playing comment tag. Hee!
You TOTALLY can, Kranki. That would rock.