wtf? tuesday: workout hymns
kelly | 21 February 2006 - 2:55pm
Okay, so the music at Curves leaves much to be desired. Seriously, the songs they play are the WORST POSSIBLE dance mixes, ever. No, they're not even dance mixes. They're workout mixes. With a dance mix, the song is still remotely recognizable. With workout mixes, there's just a steady, heavy bass to pump weights to, the all-too-often "Whooaaa, whooooa!" wailing of a background singer, and then the occasional snippet of a lyric that sounds vaguely familiar and is enough to make one perk one's ear and question, "Did they just say 'Like a virgin'? This is a Madonna cover?!"
So, really really bad music. But I've come to accept it, and by accept it I mean tune it out.
BUT. On Friday when I arrived at Curves the song playing over the speakers permeated my brain because while it was indeed a workout mix, it was slightly different. Different enough to get my attention. It was...are you ready for this?...."How Great Thou Art." HOW GREAT THOU ART, people! You know, THE HYMN!!! "Then sings my soul, my savior god to thee / How great thou art, how great thou art!" AT CURVES! AS A WORKOUT MIX!!! I am not EVEN shitting you. Seriously, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.
I was completely incredulous. Like, more incredulous than I've ever been in my entire life. I guess, living in Redneck Valley, I should no longer be surprised when people try to push religion onto other people, but every time I encounter something like this I am, indeed, surprised. And aghast. I mean, HOW GREAT THOU ART?! Really? But oh, it didn't stop there. They played workout mix hymns The Entire Time I was there. The Entire Time. It was nothing short of subliminal messaging; I can't help but think they were hoping that after doing bicep curls and squats to hyped up hymns we would all walk out as newly indoctrinated (and by indoctrinated I mean brainwashed) Born-agains chanting "Jesus loves you and your flabby abs, too!"
I was completely offended by the audacity of playing religious songs in a PUBLIC place, but I was also completely peeved because the goddamn songs were absolutely impossible to workout to. How the fuck am I supposed to get my workout groove going to "This is My Story, This is My Song"?! Even with the pounding bass and the "Whooaaaa, whoooaaa!" and whatever the fuck the electric keyboard was trying to pull off, it was still "This is My Story, This is My Song"!! As in, a HYMN! As in, SLOOOOW!!! Granted, "Holy, Holy, Holy" stepped it up a notch, but it was a very tiny notch.
Needless to say the spirit did not move me.
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Would you get run out of Curves for strapping on your iPod? Because I do believe that workout hymns are the reason God invented iPods.
The gym that I go to has a fair number of senior citizen members (community deal thing) and they NEVER play workout-appropriate music. It varies from 60s pop to contemporary Christian. So I plug in my ears and bust a move to Fergie singing about her bootyliscious lady hump. :)
Bootylicious?
Not that I can really see you doing this because you're with your mom, but I wonder what they would say if you walked up to the counter and asked them to turn the music off. Saying that it offended you or whatnot. I'm assuming they wouldn't even understand what you had just said, looking at you with a dumbfounded expression. I suppose, since you're paying to be there, it's not considered a public place, and they can play what they want? It does seem ridiculous, especially because, as you put it, how can you workout to hymns?? More power to you, sistah. By the way, are they still staring at you? Or are you decked out in baggy sweats, thus preventing the stares?
I just laughed so hard I peed.
Oh, that is too too dorky. But you write it funny, so you saved it.
Oh you poor dear! Sometimes music needs to be played in the car or home, not a workout place. It would have perfectly acceptable for you to ask them to change the music. The worst they can say is no.
They say "your body is a temple."
That's fucked up. I'd kick somebody in the head to the beat.
Ern - Yeah, I should do that. It occurred to me the first time I went, but I've been trying so dang hard to fit it there. And this is definitely not an iPod-totin' crowd. But screw fitting in - I'm breaking out the iPod.
What I would say, Doreen, would be "How do you expect us to workout to THIS? It's too frickin' SLOOOOW!!" (Even Mom commented on how SLOOOOW it was. Which is saying something.) And they are not staring as much - for the most part the ladies have grown accustomed to my tight pants and tanktops. I never did the sweats thing - I refuse to tone it down. :)
I couldn't ask for a better compliment, Kristine. :)
:) to Amy. (And did you just call me dorky?)
lawbrat - The thing is that if I asked them to change it, then I'd not only be The Skinny Bitch but I'd be the Devil-Worshipping Skinny Bitch. Which I'm not. I just think it's common courtesy not to assume things about people. Here's hoping this week they're back to Madonna...perhaps we can compromise with "Like a Prayer." Hee.
Hilarious, William! (Would it be conceited to say "Mine sure is"? Yeah, I thought so.) ;)
Kranki - I know, right? I just kept looking around at everyone, searching faces for some indication that someone found the whole thing as surreal as I did. But...nothin'. Completely flabbergasted = me.
It has to be subliminal. Maybe it's saying "How great your Ass" so people will work out more?
I have to say this is the funniest thing I've heard in awhile. I cannot imagine having to listen to hymns while working out. It is quite disturbing.
Fuck that - if your body is a temple, wouldn't you pick better music to play in your temple?
Personally, my temple craves some old-school James Brown. The Mormon Tabernacle House Grooves will just have to wait.
Uh yeah...not only would that be extremely annoying it would be moving me to get the hell out and go get myself a beer.
I would never call you dorky, darling. You are so far from dorky. You are not even orky.
jana - Oooh! What about "This is My Story, This is My Thong"? Wait, Rob is suggesting "How Shaped Thou Art" and "Amazing Pace" and "Thigh Kingdom Come" (which isn't a hymn but whatever). Heh. But um, yes, disturbing.
WORD, Bucky.
See, TKW, you totally get me.
I'm not even "orky"? Awww, Amy!
Bwah! Amazing Pace?! Too funny! Rob = HILARIOUS.
Okay, veering a little off-topic here, but I think I could TOTALLY rock out to Holy, Holy, Holy. Granted, I've never actually heard the song, but it SOUNDS wicked cool!
Here's what you do. Learn the lyrics to said hymns. Then? Next time? You should totally start singing along to the mix, like, at the top of your lungs-- really belting it out, you know?-- interrupted periodically with a loud and heartfelt "Praise Jesus!" or "Amen!" for good measure. If you are feeling really bold, you could even fall dramatically to the floor between sets and begin convulsing and speaking in tongues. But you must do it all with a totally straight face.
Because that? Would be AWESOME.
They may not stop playing the hymns, but good LORD that would be fun!
Oh sweet holy heavens, you CRACK ME UP, cat! This idea is nothing less than brilliant, although I think only you are cool enough to pull it off.
This is so wrong I don't even know where to begin.
Thanks for being equally outraged, mrtl Shit seriously ain't right.