to the blonde who tried to pick up my husband at Barnes & Noble
kelly | 30 January 2006 - 6:29pm
WHAT THE FUCK, BEEOTCH?! Did you not do the ring check? Surely you did. Because checking for the ring? That is what we, as women, do. We check for the ring. Always. Even when we aren't interested, even when it is none of our business, we still check for the ring. We are ring-checker-for-ers.
But okay. I will give you the benefit of the doubt. Because I can understand how you might have taken one look at that husband of mine and the desire to jump his bones might have pushed out every rational thought in your head. And I can understand how you might have then inched slowly towards him, under the guise of browsing for books, until you were standing very near to him (or, to use his words, "uncomfortably close"). But what I'm having trouble understanding is how in such close proximity you still didn't notice the ring. It's right there! On his hand! And so I'm thinking that either you are a wannabe homewrecker bitch or you are just really fucking stupid.
And I have to tell you that as my husband was relaying this story to me, I was going with the wannabe homewrecker bitch theory. Until he got to the part when you said, all the while giggling to your girlfriend, "This one's about Windows XP...I think that's what I have at home." And that's when I realized that, in fact, you're just really fucking stupid. Not because you're so clueless about computers that you don't even know what operating system you're running, but because you just admitted that you're that clueless about computers WHILE TRYING TO PICK UP A GUY IN THE TECHNOLOGY SECTION OF A BOOKSTORE. Not just admitted it, but actually used it as your line. Here's the thing - smart boys don't think stupid girls are cute. They think you're stupid. And moreover, geek geniuses fucking hate Windows. You might as well have announced that you have gonorrhea. Really, I think that would have gone over better.
Maybe you sensed that my husband thought you were a fucking idiot and perhaps as a result you lost a little courage. That is the only reason I can think of for why you walked away, still giggling with your girlfriend, just to then send A GUY over to get my husband's number on your behalf. A DUDE! When your buddy approached with his "Hey man, excuse me" routine, my poor husband thought he was about to be recruited for fucking Amway. And honestly, he would have written down his number for that way hella sooner than he would have for you. Which is not to say he is at all interested in Amway; it's just to say he is NOT AT ALL INTERESTED IN YOU. Because he's married. Because you're really fucking stupid. And because he doesn't even like blondes. Especially ones who use Windows.
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As a fellow geek genius, I concur. Windows = venereal disease.
Oh no she di'nt. (I don't know how to spell that properly.) What a bitch and is she like 12? What adult sends someone over to get a number?
Yea, windows, eh? I bet she also uses IE, or maybe dosent know? Was she like 16 or something? Geesh.
I was thinking about this... and wondering... would it have been any better if she had said something like, "Oh, this one's about web services... just the other day I implemented a SOAP interface for my latest Oracle application. I don't code in Java that often, but every time I do, I always find an API that suits my needs."
Still bitchy. But I bet he would have talked to her.
That's why you take Yoga.
So you could have...karate chopped her as---....you could have broken her---....you could have Jimmy Super Fly Snooka'd her... Wait a minute you take Yoga. You could have hit her over her head with your mat and sweated on her, that WHORE.
Aw... you're pretty darn cute when you get territorial! Realistically, I have determined, largely through unpleasant experience, that some women are MORE likely to approach when the man is wearing a ring. Fucked up, but true. My husband concurs. I wouldn't mind a roundtable trying to figure out WHY, though. It's a mystery to me.
Thanks for playing along, Kel!
I mean, I obviously paid that girl $10 just so I could get a blog post with some LIFE to it, you know? Anyway, it worked! Rock on. I'm doin' that again next time you guys are out.
(Not that the chick didn't want to do it anyway...)
(And I do mean it.)
Just wandered here through Random and Odd and am laughing hysterically! Thanks for the entertainment!!!!
I just wandered over here because I love you.
Oh and Michael...you're totally turning me on...knock off the geek talk.
I'm always amazed at how many people have it, michael.
Oh yes she did, Bente! And did I mention that I was just a stone's throw away, over in travel? Bitch is lucky Rob didn't tell me about this until we were driving out of the parking lot or there would have been hell to pay. I would have been all, "STEP OFF, BIZNITCH!" Or, you know, something like that.
I'm guessing she was a college student, lawbrat, although she sure as hell was acting 16. If that.
It's true, michael. In that situation, she might very well have had him wrapped around her finger. I mean, they say that sometimes a man turns to another woman if he isn't getting what he needs at home. And what Rob isn't getting at home is sufficient tech talk. I just fake it - an "uh-huh" here and a "mmm-hmmm, sure" there. I like to throw the words "cron job" around, but when it gets right down to it, I'm not entirely sure exacctly what that entails.
That WHORE indeed, william! And in addition to the mat whapping, I would have Warrior One and Two-ed her ass! And then Triangled her and thrown in a Bitch Slap for good measure. (Okay, so that last one isn't a yoga pose, but still...)
jessica_deva, my best guess is that it's all about wanting what you can't have. Which I think we all can relate to in some sense. For me it just involves expensive shoes, though.
Mr. Mojo, as my muse you gotta do what you gotta do. In fact, I should thank you for it. (And I don't mean it.)
Welcome, Mrs. Dr. Dave! Glad to have you here!
Love you too, Kristine! Now go fondle the BAMF or something...
Simmer down now, simmer down. No harm done. Goodness gurly, you do get yo'self worked up. The good Lord didn't teach you Warrior One and Two just so's you can go round teachin' no good fer nuthin ding dongs who the SheBitch is on your block. We all know who you are, now put that mat down afore someone gets hurt.
Oooh Child. You crackin' my shit up wid dis. Mmmm! Mmmm! Mmmm! Ha HA!!!
Oh my goodness. The. nerve.
You tell the geek genius to feel free to give a number next time... your cell number. Then you can go all holy moly on her ass.
Windows or VD now that's a tough call! I remember the day Dawn said "I want a Power Book". Man what a turn on! Too bad her school requires students use Windows.
Wow, michael, had she opened with that line about SOAP and Java APIs I might have been tempted to show her some things from the book I was reading on, um, Socket Programming (and I do mean the et in socket).
Hm... maybe we can put together a guide book or two for an underrepresented segment here... something like
Once we hit the best-seller list, B&N will be crawling with predatory females...
I kind of wish more women would hit on me, for a couple of reasons... first, it would be fun to shut them down, and second, right now I've been hit on by way more guys than girls. And one of the girls was a lesbian... true story. Anyway, I seem to be sending out the wrong kind of signals.
i'm a blonde, and i use windows, and i use IE, and they work out fine for me, and SQL makes me pretty happy overall from a database point of view, and i even understood most of what michael wrote! :) you could say that it's a compliment that she thought rob was cute enough to hit on, and an even bigger compliment with how rob handled the whole thing.
Perhaps you should require that Rob "dress down" when he's in public, if he's that irresistable. You know, bald wig, fake hillbilly teeth, farty scratch-n-sniff boxers.
Oh, wait. That just sounds hotter. Never mind.
Now, see, I just think this is silly. Why didn't Rob just take the number of the stupid blonde who uses Windows (... HEY!)? Honestly. What a wasted opportunity. I mean, think of the FUN you could have had!
And I am cracking up that whorish girlfriend had a WING-MAN. Seriously! Who has a WING-MAN?! In BARNES and friggin' NOBLE?! Huh?! HUH?! Whoreish stupid blondes who use WINDOWS, that's who!!
Now, see, I just think this is silly. Why didn't Rob just take the number of the stupid blonde who uses Windows (... HEY!)? Honestly. What a wasted opportunity. I mean, think of the FUN you could have had!
And I am cracking up that whorish girlfriend had a WING-MAN. Seriously! Who has a WING-MAN?! In BARNES and friggin' NOBLE?! Huh?! HUH?! Whoreish stupid blondes who use WINDOWS, that's who!!
Now how the hell did that double post happen?
(*flips blonde hair and giggles*)
It must be because I use Windows XP...
Now, until you got to the part where she sent a guy over to ask for his phone number, I figured it was just some girl with no sense of personal space &/or various clueless maladies. However, having someone ask for his number is a rather big tip off that she clearly was attempting to hit on him.
Rob must be a hottie. ;-)
My husband was half getting hit on by the cashier at our local Starbucks "ooooo, where'd you get that shirt? I really like that shirt" etc. etc. Until the manager loudly asked my husband across the way "Hey (first name), how's your wife doing with her graduate work? Does she have a timeline yet for finishing?"
Which prompted the girl to completely shut down and just give him his total kind of sullenly.
It still makes me laugh, because well _I_ think he is a cutie, but when he was relaying the story to me, I just figured the girl wanted to buy her boyfriend a similar shirt, until he got to the part about her complete change in attitude when she found out he was married.
I also thought it was a bit revealing about how frequent he was going to Starbucks that the manager knew that much about him. *grin*
Good thing you didn't have to break out your yoga moves. That chicky would've been toast.
You are cracking me up today. Not only can I picture this entire thing being played out on Springer, I think it's totally funny that you touched on one of my biggest pet peeves...the whole stupid girl thing. Do. Not. Get. Me. Started.
I'm with the ones who can't believe she sent someone else over to ask for his number. How middle school. And I would never in a million years give my number to someone who was asking for someone else, ick! Heck, I wouldn't give my number to someone I just met anyway.
I will remember this for the future, hit on Rob, Kelly will come wrassle me good and teach me a lesson..
Gee I would hate that.
I'm glad I'm not blonde.
greenie, last time I checked, you were a white gay man living on the West Coast. But suddenly...suddenly you seem to be a Southern Sistah. An' you crackin' MY shit up wid dat!
mrtl, you always think of shit I would never think of. Him giving her MY number is brilliant!!!
Hi Phildo! I have been known to use Mac OS upgrades as a way to seduce my husband... ;)
Yo rob! JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE SPEAKING 'GEEK' DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T REALIZE THAT WHAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT IS SEX!!!
Love the list, michael! I could definitely author the middle two myself. And um, sorry to hear about your pick-up misfortunes. Although I doubt Grace is complaining...
RzDrms, you are the exception to the rule, my dear. And that's a compliment. :) And I definitely love that Rob's response was "Dude, I'm a married man." And I'll admit I think it's great that this chick thought my husband was a complete hottie, although it's totally going to Rob's head.
Bucky, that's standard apparel for us here in Redneck Valley. But now that you mention it, maybe that's the problem. I mean, what girl could resist that?
Not anymore, cat! You're a Mac girl now. Cat's a Mac girl!! (And B&N whore didn't offer her number - just asked for his. Well, she didn't. WING-MAN did. WTF?)
Funny story, Danielle! I would have told Rob it was all in his imagination, too, if the number thing hadn't happened. I think he's a total hottie, but that doesn't mean I expect chicks to hit him on. Especially considering HE'S WEARING A WEDDING RING. Okay, I'm over it.
Hee, Springer! Now that would kick ass, TKW.
Andrea - I know, right?!
Jessicarabbit, I wish you were in my yoga class. That is all. ;)
*embarrassed throat-clearing-coughy-thing*
I use Windows XP.
Thank God I'm not blonde.
It's okay, LadyBug - most people do. It's only a bad thing if you are a geek genius or married to one (or trying to pick one up at Barnes and frickin' Noble).
Stupid chick...geesh...
Great Site - lovin' it! I'll be back!
This really cracked me up! And must I remind you, Michael, of:
1. the chick who wrote her phone number on your shoe (granted that was a while ago)
2. that the lesbian was trying to KISS you. I'd doubt her cover story.
3. your ex grabbing your ass when I was at a party with you. Dude, MY ASS
4. Your student who STILL calls you at home after two years
5. Your quiet, reserved boss telling you that the women in the office had said they especially liked working with you. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
5. Oh, and who can forget my 91-year-old grandmother who actually told me I was lucky she wasn't younger. Yeah, my grandmother, the homewrecker.
I'll stop here since this is Kelly's blog, not ours.
Kelly, I totally fake the geek-talk, too. We need to hang out more so our husbands can fulfill their geek-talk-needs with each other and won't have to go looking for it somewhere else.
Welcome, Catalina! Glad you're here.
That is SO me, grace - being able to rattle off every instance another woman might have possibly been interested in Rob. And yes, we should have a play date for our geeks. :)