lady of the lotus
kelly | 24 January 2006 - 12:09pm
I think I have a crush on my yoga instructor.
I went to the first class, two weeks ago, with every intention of disliking her since she had opened a yoga studio in the very location that I had seriously (okay, not seriously, but still) considered opening a yoga studio. She had stolen my brilliant idea and crushed my entrepreneurial dream and if that isn't reason to hate someone then what is? But when I walked into class that first evening, she was all bubbly and benign and beautiful. And I immediately liked her, which is not at all typical of me. Especially when there is bubbly involved. I don't do bubbly.
There are certain telltale signs of a crush, and it seems I am behaving in ways that apply to all of them. Let's examine:
- Thinking idiosyncrasies are cute. She is a dancer, and when she is sitting in a chair she has a habit of putting her feet on pointe. And for some reason I find this absolutely adorable.
- Stalker tendencies. The ribbon-cutting ceremony for her studio was last Tuesday at 11am. This is not an event I would ever consider attending, especially during the work day. But last Tuesday at 10:55 I found myself walking the few blocks from my office to the yoga studio. In the pouring rain. To attend the ceremony. (I told myself I was going because I am a responsible citizen and a supporter of downtown revitalization and a proponent of women-owned businesses.) I got to meet her husband (who is not nearly attractive enough to match her) and her kids and her parents and her brother and did I mention that she was wearing THE cutest red skirt? And that she totally thanked me for coming?!
- Dressing to be noticed. I bought a pair of snugly-fitting lime green velvet yoga pants at Target for the sole reason that they will show off my ass much better than the pants I've been wearing to class.
- Determined to impress. Last week we were working on balance and she asked if anyone could demonstrate Tree pose for the group. And my arm shot up into the air and I might have maybe said, "Oooh! Me! Me! I can do Tree!" (I am the fastest arm-raiser around, a skill I developed in high school when I was a smarty-pants front row sitter whose hand was in the air more than it wasn't. Well, in English class, anyway.) And so she nodded and smiled (!) and I went into Tree, except I rushed it because I was so eager to please and so I didn't quite have my balance right before I lifted my leg up. I wobbled but I would have been able to regain my balance except that my heart was thudding so hard in my chest because SHE was watching ME! With her full attention!! And the pounding threw me completely off balance and so my Tree totally timbered. I was understandably devastated. However, as the rest of the class went into Tree, I quickly got back into the pose and then added on all the advanced moves in an attempt to win her affections. I'm not sure she noticed.
- Unabashed gaped-mouth gawking. She has the most defined calf muscles I have ever seen! And she moves so gracefully into poses - yoga has never been more lovely. And her downward dog makes me want to hump her. There, I said it.
I don't think I had really put any of this together until last evening when Rob and I were getting ready for bed and I said, "Oh! I almost forgot to change my toenail polish!" And he looked at me as if to say, So? and I explained, "I need to paint my toes so that they match the shirt I'm wearing to yoga tomorrow." And he responded, "Why? You trying to impress someone or something?"
Not to worry - she's way out of my league.
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Damn you. Damn you. Damn you.
I was barely able to hold it together until you said, "her downward dog makes me want to hump her." Anyone have a tissue?
Just please, for the love of Red Flyer, do not attempt to lick her.
I think you a probably out of her league.
I don't know what League this is, but can I get season tickets to the games?
Oh Kelly. Kelly. I just don't know what to say.
Seriously, girl...if you really want her attention?
Assless chaps.
Fuck the yoga pants - your combination of black leather and a bare ass will guarantee her eyes will not be on any other student but you.
Fine, ieatcrayonz - no licking. But what about intentionally doing a pose wrong so that she has to come over and adjust my body? Not that I would ever do that. (Cause, you know, then she would think I'm stupid, which goes against #4.)
Aww, william. Thank you.
Totally, Nilbo. I bet I can even get you box seats. Heh, I said box.
There's nothing to say, mrtl. Believe me. Poor Rob knows. In college I was infatuated with this girl named Kyle. She was a fantastic actress - always the lead. And whenever I'd see her around campus or at the dining hall I would get all excited and grab Rob's arm and say, "Ooh! There's Kyle! Rob!! Do you see her? Do you see Kyle?" And he would just sigh and perhaps roll his eyes a bit. Because really, what can you say?
OMG. Bucky Four-Eyes just whipped out the assless chaps on my blog. I have officially come. (Er, arrived.)
I am totally jealous.
I totally get it. And lemme tell you, there is nothing sexier than a yoga instructor adjusting your limbs during a pose. Especially if they, say, lay a hand on your side while adjusting you. Or if you are doing it right, sometimes they physically encourage you to push it just a leeetle bit more. Man, woman, it doesn't matter. Yoga instructors = hot. Yum! (OMG, I just had to wipe drool out of the corner of my mouth.)
I'm giggling at the image of you jumping up to volunteer to be the tree. If you really want to impress her perhaps you should bring her an apple to the next class, or better yet a bottle of Evian...best wishes! ;)
If I hadn't quit smoking recently, I'd need one after Ern's graphic description. This sounds like the yoga class in every porn movie ever made. I'm just waiting for the doorbell to ring and the words "Pizza delivery!" to echo through the room.
It totally made me giggle that you went to the ribbon cutting.
I got nothin'. Its all been said.
Kelly, come all you want, but please wipe the chaps when you're done.
To quote the always-hot Wilford Brimley: It's the right thing to do.
Wow,
I came here from Kranki's regarding Neil S. and what a post.
I had a sucky day and this made me laugh. Now Neil is an old fart.
Imaginge if you will Donny Osmond about 60 years old singing.
He has been around a long time and some "folks" must have liked
him for example Suzy!
Nikki
Hey-ya!! Greetings from N'Awlins!!
First. I think Tony has a pair of ass-less chaps to borrow. No need to thank me.
Second. I miss you. I miss yoga. I miss yoga with you. Enough said.
I'll email soon! LYME!!
Jess, the only way to fix that is to join us. ;)
Push it a leetle bit more indeed, Ern! Wait, what are we talking about? (Seriously, I'm so glad you get this! And yes - I think it is a universal truth that yoga instructors are hot. I've never had one who wasn't.)
Evian! That's funny, TKW. Although I like the apple idea - very original sin.
I stayed after class today, Nilbo. You know, for a little one-on-one time with the instructor. It totally felt like the beginning of a porn scene.
I'm such a dweeb, Bente.
:) to lawbrat.
I'm beginning to realize that the assless chaps are the perfect attire for any occasion, Bucky. I'm totally going to wear them to ballroom dancing class tomorrow. I figure since I have to go around the room backwards, the first thing people see might as well be my chapless ass.
Thank you for the explanation, Nikki! I was starting to feel uncool over at Kranki's but now it seems as if I haven't missed out on much by not knowing Old Fart Sedaka.
Doreen! I've been thinking about you - hope all is going well! I miss you and yoga with you, too! (Hee, wonder what Nilbo is interpreting "yoga" as. Naughty.)
SEE!?! SEE?!? That's why you and Ern are the Kittens!!! he he he Downward Dog...you took the words right out of my mouth.
***note to self: sign up for yoga, but only if the instructor is HOT!!!!(sizzle!!!!)
Oh, don't worry, Greenie. The instructor WILL be hot. Guaranteed.
You don't know who I am?
YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM?
Don't you know that back in the Brill Building days, Carol King used to pretend to be my girlfriend so the gaybashers wouldn't beat the shit out of me every day?
Without me, there would be no "Love Will Keep Us Together" or "Laugher in the Rain" or "Calendar Girl" or "Happy Birthday, Sweet 16" or "Breakin' Up is Hard to Do" (fast version AND slow remake) or "Oh Carol" or...
Oh, hell. You're all going to beat me up now, aren't you?
After careful consideration, all I can add is:
(chicka-wow-wow, chicka-chucka-wow-wow, chicka-wow,chucka-wow-wow)
NILBO: Hey, lady ... where do you want these groceries...?
DOREEN: Ohh. You could put them ... here.
KELLY: Yeah, he could put his groceries there, while I take this position ... here.
INSTRUCTOR: Wait. You're doing it wrong. Let me ... help.
ERN: This all looks like so much fun. Can I ... join you all?
NILBO: (head explodes)
BUCKY: Can someone help me get my chapless ass off this vinyl chair? THANK you.
Ooooh! THAT Neil Sedaka!!!
Glad I wasn't the only one.
Oh my word, I was going to say it was far too early for all of these images, but then I remembered that today is
Hump Day.
You are so cute. And, while I think your eagerness to demonstrate the tree pose and impress the instructor is most likely a holdover from your high school smarty-pants impress the teacher days (because I am EXACTLY the same way), the purchasing and wearing of the make-your-ass-hotter pants is surely an indication of a crush.
So, is Rob getting any benefits from your yoga crush? I mean, do you come home from yoga, all hot and sweaty and riled-up, and just ATTACK him?
(Is it hot in here, or is it just me?)
There is nothing like the long, lean lines of a good downward dog to get ANYONE in the mood.
I loved "dressing to be noticed". So high school. So, so great.
MMRRREOWRR, greenie.
Word, Ern.
Oh! Well, I've heard of a few of those songs, Old Fart Sedaka. Like, two of them, anyway.
Nilbo, clearly you have missed your calling in life. Unless, of course, you are actually a porn director. Which I can't say would surprise me.
Good golly I love you, greenie.
Heh, Danielle said hump.
Yesterday when I got home from yoga I attacked Rob for not having made dinner like he'd promised, LadyBug. Does that count?
It's true, Amy! Downward dog is sooo HOT! And my instructor can just bend over double. Her chest is totally touching her thighs in that position. It's incredible! (Okay, yes LadyBug, it IS hot in here!)
Truly hilarious! I'm busting a gut right now girl, NO lie. You totally crack me up.
Thanks for the laughs.
It's my pleasure, Momo. :)