stop staring at me
kelly | 5 January 2006 - 11:53pm
I have been nagging my mom for years to start working out. Which is not to say that I work out. Actually, last year I had a pretty good running habit going which slacked off during the holidays but will resume shortly. So there.
Anyway, my mom decided she might want to join Curves and asked me if I wanted to do it with her. Now granted, Curves is a bit...I don't know. It's fine, I guess. It is marketed mostly to middle aged women who are afraid of regular gyms. That's not a criticism, because I think regular gyms are annoying as hell. You wait for freakin' ever for a machine and the place always reeks because, let's face it, boys smell. And then there are the boys themselves, who do some sort of weird lamaze breathing while they heave weights and who drip sweat all over everything and who, while you're waiting in line for the water fountain, either look at you like you are in the way or like they want to have their way with you.
So I decided to join Curves despite the fact that it is decorated solely in pink and purple, despite the fact that I am the only one there who isn't trying to lose weight, despite the fact that it is a girlie gym. Basically I'm paying $29 a month to support my mom. And, you know, tone a little.
The one thing I thought I would really like about the girlie gym is that boys aren't allowed. Thus no stench, no sweat, and no gawking. And indeed, the place smells quite lovely. Like lilacs, perhaps. Or whatever flower is purple. And there is no sweat drippiness because honestly no one there is working hard enough to work up a sweat. But the gawking? Oh My God.
First you need to understand that I am used to dressing for a college gym. When Rob was taking graduate classes at the local university, we had free access to the fitness center. I was just a year out of college myself but I had this irrational fear of being recognized by all the undergraduate bitches as an outsider. Did I mention that this particular university, while not known for its scholastic excellence, does in fact have the prestige of ranking very near the top in the Nation's Hottest Co-eds survey? Seriously. I'm not kidding. Apparently, or at least according to the article I was reading, the girls at this college are bona fide Sex on a Stick. Or perhaps boner fide. Yeah, I can't believe I just said that, either.
Point being, I always pimped it up for the gym. Not for the smelly sweaty nasty guys. But for the girls. Because I did not want to be ellipticaling to my heart's content just to realize that everyone was looking at me and thinking, "Um, that girl is clearly NOT Sex on a Stick University material."
When I threw on my workout clothes before meeting Mom at Curves for the first time, I didn't stop to consider the clientele. The ladies at Curves are not Sex on a Stick. They are working to find their inner Sex on a Stick selves and I respect that, but they're not there yet.
So needless to say, from the moment I walked in the door I did not look quite like the others. You know, due to my age and my outfit and also perhaps my buns of steel. And not five minutes into my workout I realized that people were staring. At me. I think I might have been doing the Sex on a Stick strut. Shit. Gym habits die hard, you know? But even after dropping the strut, I still got sideways glances and a few full-on stares. I tried to determine if the looks were ones of awe ("Wow! I wonder how long she's been working out here? If I keep going, maybe I'll be that size, too!") or hatred ("Fucking skinny bitch.") or disgust ("Well well, look at Ms. Slut on a Stick in her tiny tank top and tight little pants.") But it was hard to tell the meaning behind the looks without staring back (which is RUDE) and so eventually I just dropped my gaze to the floor and focused on my bicep curls.
(I have to say, and this is perhaps a tangent, that the betrayal I felt by being gawked at in a girlie gym was akin to the betrayal I felt the day I discovered that my female gynecologist is a lesbian.)
As my mom and I were walking to our cars afterwards, my mom said proudly, "You were the cutest one in there."
"That's just because I was the only one in there not middle-aged and overweight."
"But it's not just that. Even your clothes are so cute! Your shirt is cute and you're wearing those cute stretchy pants and you've got just the right amount of butt to fill them out just right."
Oh My God. Even my mom had been checking out my ass! Technically she created me, ass included, and so I suppose she has rights to gaze upon it whenever she so pleases. But seriously, people. I am not an object! I am not some slab of meat to be drooled over. And while I don't expect fuckwit men to recognize or appreciate that, I sure as hell expected more from women. And from my own mother, no less.
Next time I am totally wearing sweatpants. (You know, the kind with ankle cuffs.) And the baggiest t-shirt I can find. (And for once I won't cinch it up tight just below my boobs OR slip the top sideways to reveal one shoulder.) Yeah, that'll show them.
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all comments photoblog
Well, somebody thinks pretty highly of herself and her ass!
Just kidding. If I had your ass, I'd think pretty highly of my ass too. (See? Even I've been staring at your ass, at least as much of it as you show your gawking fellow bloggers.)
John Stamos topless at beach
Phew! Now that I've shared (before I forgot!) I can go back and actually READ this post. I know, right? So rude.
(I hope that linky thing worked. It's my first time...)
Dude, I know exactly how you feel! There's this lady at work who has had two kids, but she's had work done and exercises hard core and she looks phenom, but will always think she looks fat. But she checks me out whenever I see her! It is more annoying than guys' looks because you feel betrayed by female stares and non-surprised/indifferent to male stares. Whenever I see her, her eyes go straight to my hips, thighs, and butt...and THEN to my eyes and she asks how I'm doing but only after she tells me that I look great in those jeans and I am just OH so skinny, girl! Grrr. Get some self-esteem, already! And stop checking me out. She makes me feel uncomfortable. Hmmm, could I get her on a sexual harassment suit? I wonder...
What is the difference between "Sex on a Stick" and "Slut on a stick"? Do they make variety packs?
"...akin to the betrayal I felt the day I discovered that my female gynecologist is a lesbian."
That is funny.
Hmmm... were the other women unusually tall? Did they wear baggy clothes, hide their faces a lot and speak in falsetto?
If there's anything I've learned from the Internet, it's that any place that claims to be a gathering place for women is automatically a sausage-fest.
I just want to say how proud I am of your mom for making the effort, and of you for supporting her. Besides, all the stares probably weren't "Damn skinny bitch" stares. They were probably in that category you mentioned "Damn, I want to look like her!" Just think of how many women you inspired that day.
This was a great post and a great read and there were so many funny things to comment on, but what stands out to me the most is this:
Basically I'm paying $29 a month to support my mom.
You are so awesome, supporting your mom like that. I blove you, girl.
Ern, the truth is I don't actually have buns of steel but I figure if I type that enough, I'll fool Google into thinking I do. ;)
I don't think that's rude, cat. I think that's a sign that you have your priorities in order! But sadly my work filter is blocking that site (which I think is a VERY good sign!) so I'll have to click and drool later. Oh, the anticipation...
Come to think of it, Doreen, I think I check out your hot bod first thing every time I see you, too. And then comment on it. When I see you tomorrow, I'll try really hard to look you in the eye first. But I'm not making any promises because your lovely form is distracting.
Variety packs! Love it, william.
It's an interesting theory, michael. Clearly some investigative research is necessary. I'm thinking cameras in the changing room and some discreet fondling of crotches.
I'm really proud of her too, yonzie. And honestly, the Curves ladies inspire me way more than I might inspire them. I've never really had to work to keep my shape (skinny bitch, like I said) and so I'm amazed at the effort these women are willing to put toward looking and feeling great. Amazed in a good way. We should all value ourselves so much.
Thanks, LadyBug. I do think supporting her is really important. And it's also a great excuse to hang out with her. Because really, $29/month is not much to spend in return for quality time with my mom.
Oh-em-gee, I frickin' HATE Curves and I'm allowed to say that because my older sister guilted me into joining with her because she was going through a divorce and wanted to feel good about herself and lose that 10 pounds she gained so her ex would see her and eat his heart out plus exercise = good and what kind of jerkass sister would I be if I didn't join but dear GOD I hate that place!
I mean, what's with the REALLY bad covers of upbeat 80's songs blaring in the background (totally RUINED "Total Eclipse of the Heart" for me, I am so not kidding!). PLAY THE REAL SONGS or turn it the freak off, people!!
Plus, they yelled at me. YELLED AT ME! In front of all the, um, "middle-aged" ladies who I worked with at the high school (Me = teacher, they = support staff) who thought of me as a mere whippersnapper to begin with! "Why?" you ask? Because I was WORKING OUT too hard. No, really. You see, they have these little platform thingies between each machine which you are expected to walk in place on while you wait for your turn. And I'm all, "Walk in place? Hell, no! What's THAT gonna do for me?" so I was, you know, bobbing and weaving and throwing some crazy-ass Tae Bo punches to get the old heart a-pumping. People were staring, but I thought it was because of my mad skillz with the punching and the kicking and the Why-YA!ing and all, but then the owner came up to me and said, "Now, young lady, you're going to have to stop that," and proceeded to berate me for getting my heart-rate in the "danger zone" and for not "following gym procedure" which dictated that you don't do anything even remotely resembling aerobic exercise while in the facilty and I was all, "WTF?!" and then with the accusatory STARING! Good LORD, their EYES! They burned!
Wow. Clearly I have Curves for Women issues. It's just that when you said Curves it all came flooding back! WAH! Thanks for dredging up the repressed memories, Kell, GOSH.
Oh, and when you finally see the picture, the heart was SO not there when I originally posted it, but despite the sstupidness of the heart, the hawtness is still apparent and my WEE RYAN IS THERE, TOO! Joy!
And yes, I AM insane and MUST lay off the sugar and caffeine.
...
That is all.
I loved this! I avoided going to the gym at school for two years because I was sure people would look at me and think, "What's she trying to pull? She doesn't work out!" A number of people convinced me I was being ridiculous. On my first day there, I was ellipticaling away (love that as a verb, by the way!) only to have two girls walk by, stop, turn and look back at me, and POINT AND GIGGLE.
Seriously? Did you just POINT AND LAUGH at me? I quit. Sign me up for the all-male gym - the stink and the sweat and the grunting and the gawking can all be ignored, but the giggling? UNACCEPTABLE!
we need pictures.
pretty please?
(you didn't expect to say "sex/slut on a stick" and not have some photo requests, did you?)
Nilbo? You with me?
I went to Curves once and when I realized that I was by far the thinest (sp?) person there, I couldn't deal. It robbed me of all motivation and made me feel slightly guilty.
I find all gyms really derpessing. All that running and ellipticating but nobody going anywhere. I like to work out in the privacy of my own home where only my cat stares at me and gives me dirty looks.
cat, I totally believe that they yelled at you for working out too hard! I mentioned something to one of the women who works there about going around the circuit an extra time in order to get more of a workout and she acted like I'd proposed murder. And then she said all huffily, "If you need to go around a third time then you are not working hard enough on the first two." Um, yeah, either that or I'm just IN REALLY GOOD SHAPE AND NEED THE EXTRA CHALLENGE. Sheesh. And OMG, I totally read a John Stamos interview about that very photo with Seacrest OUT! Seriously, you have to go read it right now, here.
Oh no, Allie! They actually pointed and giggled?! (That was always my greatest gym fear.) Shit ain't right.
CM, it's not that I'm actually Sex on a Stick. It's just that in the Curves environment, I am the one in the room closest to being Sex on a Stick. Although I do think I'm pretty hot doing the bicep curls. I'll try to arrange a photo of that. ;)
Yeah, that's definitely the case with me too, jessica_deva.
See, I think that is the ideal situation, Krank, except that I don't know quite how to do that at home without equipment, and I don't want to buy any equipment because I refuse to get anywhere near the American cliche of buying a treadmill/Bowflex just for it to sit in the corner and gather cobwebs. Of course, you live in Canada, so it's cool for you. :)
Seriously funny stuff! LOL!
On another note. It's wonderful you're supporting your mom, I'm sure it means the world to her.
Now, this is interesting. As I've said other places, my resolution is to be younger this time next year than I am now, which will involve working out regularly. I have toyed with the idea of Curves, even visited. And truly, I am of the type that you saw there. But coincidentally, right before I came over here, I said to Jif, "Linda and Gail go to Curves all the time, and they're both really fat; I mean, they might be in better shape on the inside, but outside I've seen no difference and it's been months." Interesting. I like the idea of an all-women's gym; but I didn't like the vibe in Curves. I love the name, though, don't you think that's a great name? Anyhoo, there's a Lady's Workout Express here; I DON'T like that name, but I did like the place a little better. More likely I'll just start doing DVDs at home.
Oh, but like yonzie said, since you REALLY don't know what they're thinking, fantasize it in your favor. They're thinking, "Wow, maybe if I work really hard, I can look like that, too." Just smile at 'em, don't look away. Imagine they're your mama. 'Cause they are.
Oh, and maybe this is the place to confess this: For some reason, when I have imagined that I do join Curves, I always imagine that I wear a Krispy Kreme t-shirt there and the ladies gang up on me and kick my ass. What do you think that fantasy means, kalki?
You know they were staring at that cute haircut with highlights, too.
Seriously, you'd think places like that would be supportive of sistahs and discourage catty behavior. Shame on them!
Curves for women is way too sissy. I guess some people have to start somewhere, but get your mom out of there and into a real gym, soon. I have found that places like that (although, maybe better than nothing) tend to start too low on the physical scale. If a woman doesn't even break a sweat, what is the point? The men in the regular gym (here it is the Turlock Raquet and Fitness Club) don't intimidate me. I think I intimidate them! lol
I'm so with Von Krankipantzen- Even when I was really small and in great shape...even AFTER kids!!! WTF? GREAT shape after kids, but law school kills that? Oh, sorry what was I saying? Yea, I always worked out at home, with Jane Fonda. Its my fav! So much that when the video wore out, I found the DVD online. I bought it about 4 months ago- sadly, its gathering dust. I'll have to get it out sometime soon.
Its so great of you to support your mom. Even if she's checkin' out your buns of steel ass!
Thanks, momo!
Susie, I read somewhere that the 30-minute Curves workout burns the equivalent of half a donut in calories. Yikes. My mom knows members who are losing weight, but they are also doing Weight Watchers. And I love the name, too! And I'm not sure what your fantasy means, but I am totally going to find a Krispy Kreme shirt to wear next time!
mrtl - Well they weren't being outwardly catty - just staring. I hadn't thought of the cute haircut with highlights, but I bet that is totally it!!
Margie, the nice thing about Curves for people like my mom is that it's a safe place, the machines are easy to use, and the workout is thorough (if not intense). But I agree that it's totally sissy. And you go, girl, with your gym-men intimidating self! :)
lawbrat, I don't have the coordination to keep up with the aerobics videos! What is wrong with me?
My sister runs a Curves establishment, so I know a little bit about the operation. I think their philosophy really comes from a nice place - that by creating a non-competitive, non-threatening atmosphere, many women will feel they can risk going back to the gym after a long time (or a lifetime) of avoiding it. It's good that there are no boys, because yes, boys are smelly and disgusting and most cannot NOT gawk.
It's easy when you're young to dismiss places like Curves, because when you're young you're often looking at breaking through the barrier between "toned" and "ripped" - so, sure, Tae-Bo while you wait for a machine is going to be encouraged. At Curves, the focus is to gently coax people over the bridge between "slothful" and "able to face oneself without bursting into tears", so the pace is less ... aggressive.
Cat, if you felt disapproval, I'd try to see it this way: scratch any one of us and you'll find at least a tiny element of competitiveness. We're conditioned to keep up with the lead dog, so to speak (not calling you a dog, here - just go with the analogy). So what the managers were probably thinking was "Christ, if Edna sees this woman doing Tae-Bo, she might think that's what she's supposed to do, and we don't have enough staff here to roll Edna onto a stretcher when she falls and breaks her hip."
We're all gawkers, though, and dear Kelly you MUST know that. HOW many references to hot men and women do I have to go back into your archives and find for you? Men look at women, obviously; and women look at men (only a little less obviously). Men sneak a look at other men, and women at women. We all look, becuse we're all curious. Or envious. Or piteous. Or ... hell, just bored.
I agree with someone else here who said they were just looking at you because you set a new standard and they're gauging how hard it's going to be to reach. "Let's see - a year on the elliptical for that ass; 10,000 crunches for that waist; the boobs? Screw that, I'm not having reduction surgery."
And finally, as always, I agree with CM on the whole issue of pics. Although good luck taking a camera into Curves.
You're completely right, Nilbo. It is the perfect environment for women like my mom. I am THRILLED it exists because I don't think she'd ever go to a "real" gym. And I guess I really can't bitch about any of it since I decided to play along. Although, if I followed that rule, I'd have to delete most of my archives, wouldn't I? Heh.
Breast reduction surgery! Nice one.