So there's this scene in Bridget Jones' Diary where Bridget is preparing for a date and is contemplating which undergarment to wear. The choice is between a sexy, skimpy thong and a pair of hideous, monstrous, stomach-supporting granny panties. She is faced with a difficult decision: if she finds herself in an intimate situation on the date, she will certainly be glad to have come prepared wearing the fetching thong; on the other hand, the probability of this situation arising in the first place is greatly reduced if she does not wear the granny panties which slim her figure and, she concludes, make her much more attractive.

The same tradeoff occurs with lipstick. Allow me to explain.

I find lipstick to be unpleasant - perhaps even repulsive - on Kelly. It's not about the way it looks (she looks great with or without the lipstick). It's about another property of lipstick: the way it, in spite of its name, sticks to anything and everything except her lips.

See, Kelly and I share a lot of things - not just a home, a bed, and a bank account, but also soda cans, ice cream spoons, glasses of water, lollipops, straws, etc. All these items seem to be magnets for blotchy reddish smears of lipstick, and I find this to be disgusting. I protest loudly, wiping with my thumb in a futile attempt to rid the item of this unnaturally colored smudge which would otherwise come into contact with my mouth or even be ingested by me. Yuck. A Seashell™-smeared straw sure can ruin an otherwise delightful milkshake.

But it gets worse. Not only does lipstick spread to foreign objects, but it spreads to skin as well. My skin. Yes, I'm talking about the dreaded lipstick kiss. Regardless of whether it's on the cheek or on the lips, a lipstick-laden kiss serves only to drop a disgusting payload of sticky, colorful gook on the recipient. You can try to wipe it off but you know you're really just rubbing it in. Ew.

So this is why lipstick is the anti-kiss. Women should be warned about the risks of repulsing their date or significant other. I prefer a lipstick-free Kelly for any occasion. Lipstick-free is more kissable and thus sexier. Sure, some might suggest that lipstick increases visual attractiveness, but I argue that it is a superficial look. A hollow attempt at making yourself look like some fake ideal. Just like Bridget Jones' granny panties. And even if you do think it looks good, the anti-kissability causes lipstick to weigh in with a negative net sex appeal.

So my advice for women is to toss out the lipstick and forget the granny panties. You might think they make you more attractive, but when the lights go down you'd rather be kissable and wearing the thong.