letter to the cats: meet the potty
kelly | 10 October 2005 - 4:18pm
Dear felines,
It has been three months since my last letter and I am quite pleased and completely shocked to say that I honestly have no complaints. You have worked on everything that I asked you to and in the meantime have not developed any annoying new habits. Well, except for Maylee and the water bowls, but we seem to have resolved that one as well.
Of course, whenever things are going smoothly, Mommy feels the need to go and fuck everything up. You know, to keep life interesting. And so I have an announcement I'd like to share with you, an announcement that will change your lives forever. You should perhaps sit down for this.
I have decided it's time you were toilet trained.
I know, I KNOW. Just hear me out on this before you start shrieking and clawing stuff. The whole litter box thing? Overrated, if you ask me. Frankly, it's disgusting. If I were you, I would have insisted on a better solution long ago. After all, you are cats, the most sophisticated life form on the planet. Or at least the snootiest. Either way, walking through your own shit is so beneath you. In an ideal world, there would be someone devoted full-time to wiping your asses. Am I right? Bridget, I know you're with me. You HATE the litter box. Ever since you were a kitten, you have run full-force out of the litter box as soon as you are done and if you could talk I know you would be saying, "Eew eew eew eew eew EEEEEWWW." I feel you, girl.
Because the truth is, the litter box situation grosses me the frick out, too. I clean your boxes every day; that is not a particularly pleasant task. And my big lovely bathroom, which was once my favorite room in the house, is quickly becoming NOT my favorite room in the house because there is litter gravel everywhere. I sweep every day; it does not help. Also, I like my bathroom to smell fresh as a daisy but all too often it smells like cat shit. Maylee, this is mostly your fault considering you refuse to COVER what you leave behind. You must have been absent when your momma taught that step.
And so I bring to you a solution that I think we all can live with. It will take some docility on your part and some patience on mine. None of you are docile and I am far from patient, so we are pretty much fucked from the start. However, imagine a litter-free world, a world in which cats have the same toilet rights as people. I think it is a noble goal. And no matter how tedious the training process may turn out to be, I think it will be worth it. Heck, just the photos of you using the toilet will make this all completely worthwhile.
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I tried the same thing with my cat. She would use it, but she kept pointing her ass in the wrong direction. So close; so far away.
Forgot to mention...thanks for the "butts for butterflies" wallpaper. ;-)
That's what Rob is worried about, Marcus - their aim. And with 3 cats, the chances of them all taking to this is probably slim to none. Still, I'm THAT desperate. As for butts for butterflies, Simon is always flattered to have internet friends admire his ass.
My mom spent the money on the $200 self-cleaning covered litterbox and she said it is worth every penny.
"You should perhaps sit down for this."
Good try on lesson #1. I hear that stickers are fabulous potty training rewards. You think they'll go for it?
The kitty poo is probably the feline's biggest aversion to the dog people crowd. Inside poo is not a selling point. I'll even argue my having to let the dogs out 5,000 a day against that one. Daisy fresh bathrooms unite! Now if I could only train that husband o' mine to use the air freshener.
if you haven't seen it before, here 'tis: http://www.smarthome.com/6163.html
Good luck with this!
I have actually trained two cats to use the loo with moderate success. The peeps part is easy to change and it is totally funny to hear the cat tinkle in the middle of the night. For some reason for both cats the poop part was much harder. I think it is because the "stance" used to poop is more precarious on the toilet seat. Used to come home to lots of gifties in unusual places. Lots of treats is the key. Whatever you do, do not teach them to flush as they seem to like that best of all and do it ALL NIGHT LONG.
I absolutely refuse to "Click here for a video!"
I just don't need to see that.
But, um, yeah. Good luck with the potty-training thing. Maybe you'll be done by the time Big Boy's ready to start potty-training, and you can give me some pointers. I've never potty-trained a boy before. Let me know what works best with Simon. ;)
jessica_deva, I have seen those! I'd rather get rid of the litter entirely, but if this doesn't work, maybe I'll try that next. Nothing like throwing money at the problem...
ieatcrayonz - Oooh, stickers! Stickers work for me, so why not them? Genius. And now I can't wait to go to Target to buy some stickers!! :) And yeah, I would prefer numerous trips outside to dealing with litter boxes, too. People who litter train their dogs? I don't get that.
Thanks momo. I figure if I keep my expectations low enough, I won't be disappointed. :)
You've done this, Von? Rock on! You wanna come live with me for awhile and train mine? You could go to Target every day!! I've always worried about the seat being too small for them to get a good stance which is why I ended up buying the CatSeat instead of just training them without an apparatus. It is wider and also has ledges that slide out that they can stand on. I'm hoping its size will make them more comfortable with the whole thing. And, you know, prevent them from falling in.
Teehee, LadyBug! I'll be happy to share any advice I can after this experience. I started to say that I wasn't sure how much would apply to Big Boy, but then I realized that "Watch your aim!" and "Don't drink the water!" and "DON'T FALL IN!" are universally sound pieces of toilet advice, despite one's species. ;)
You must document this process for our entertainment!
You could just go and get preggers. Pregant woman are not supposed to change/clean litter boxes. Some kind of sickness.
Nick has been wanting to do this with our cats forever, but I said look there are 12 of them and 4 of us, they will totally be hogging the bathroom all the time, and If I really have to go I am not standing in line behind Weebles and Roo and Nala for twenty minutes waiting my turn damn it. I HAVE THE THUMBS.
The cat seat looks like a great idea! Good luck.
They really did come from your tummy, didnt they? What a good mommy to potty train. If we ever get a kitten, this will be the litter box from day 1.
Yes, but will you be able to teach them how to flush?
I'll be keen to see if this works for you - and to hear exactly how the training is accomplished. Our two cats are good about using the litter box - also in our bathrooom - but my daughter, the nominal owner of the cats, is sometimes not so good at finding the time to clean it out. Nothing so spoils a quiet, late-night bath as the lingering fumes from a boxful of cat feces.
On more than one occasion I have moved the full litter box from the bathroom to her bedroom, the better to have her appreciate the ambience it creates.
Oh, I definitely intend to, mrtl.
Tis true, william. I’ve always said that we’ll know we’re ready for kids when I’m willing to sacrifice alcohol and Rob is willing to scoop the poop. Of course, if the toilet training works, then he’ll get out of his end of the deal. Not fair.
You crack me up, Jessicarabbit. Perhaps the 12 cats should have their own bathroom?
Thanks, Bente. I think we’ll need all the luck we can get.
Yup, lawbrat. This is just another way I can treat them like children!
Apparently that’s actually possible, Torrie. Although like Von mentioned, the problem is getting them not to do it ALL THE TIME.
Nilbo, I'll be sure to keep you and the rest of the internet privy to our progress - after all, if you can't blog about potty-training your cats, what's the point?
OK, I meant to comment on this the other day, but DID I? (no)
I tried to train my cat thusly, but it did not work for a couple reasons. My cat does not take kindly to being locked up, and you have to shut them in the bathroom to get them used to it. Nudge turns into psychotic wailing tornado of cat fur if you shut him in a room. I also had an older version of the toilet box thing. This one looks a lot better!
I wish you the best of luck though!
Hi Ern! "Thusly" is my new favorite word. :) Poor Nudge would HATE our Naughty Room. I'm really not sure my cats are going to go for this new plan, but I am trying to convince them that litter-free is their destiny. We'll see...