wtf? tuesday: a whole freakin' list
kelly | 27 September 2005 - 10:52am
(WTF? Tuesday is brought to you by the haiku-spouting twig.)
- At the party we went to last weekend, this guy brought his 10-month old son, Emmet. He was standing near Rob and I, holding Emmet, and as his son drooled on his shoulder, the dude looked at Emmet and said in his best talking-to-baby voice, "Rob needs an Emmet. Yes he does! Yeah, I think Rob needs an Emmet." And then he looked up at us and sorta smirked and I gave Rob The Look - The Look I give at certain weddings when the minister talks about how the purpose of marriage is to procreate and then prays for the union to be blessed with children - The Look that says Hold me back before I rip this impertinent twit's eyes right out of his sockets. Rob chuckled uncomfortably and as we slunk away I said a special heathen prayer that Emmet might spit up all over his dear ol' dad. What does it take, people? What does it take to get people to NOT say shit like that to us? Somebody make me an "I hate babies" tshirt. Drastic times, drastic measures.
- And then there's Maylee. Speak of an impertinent twit. I am at my wit's end with this cat. You see, she loves water. And shiny things. And just recently she has discovered that the water bowls are an endless source of entertainment. Because she can splash her paws in the water. And OOH, look! When she moves the bowls, the water sloshes, catches the light, and is SHINY!! And so she slides the bowls all over the kitchen floor, spilling the water as she goes. I CANNOT keep water in these bowls. Our kitchen floor is always wet, the cats are always thirsty, and I am always a very grumpy mommy. We have tried heavier bowls, we have tried putty to stick the bowls to the floor, we have tried boards to wedge the bowls against the wall. But where there's a will, there is a way to spill the water all over the fucking floor. (What we need is a stand for the water bowls, but I haven't been able to find one yet.) Wit's end, I tell you. Wit's end.
- Gun-toting dolphins? You're shitting me, right? Just...NO. Leave Flipper out of it, people. I mean, that's like tying a dagger to a kitten's tail. Shit ain't right.
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Y'know, it's bad enough when women pull that crap. I can't BELIEVE a GUY was doing the baby-talk thing with Rob. That's just...WRONG.
As for Maylee...what about something like this? It wouldn't stop her from playing in the water, but it might stop her from bouncing the bowl all over the kitchen floor.
And the dolphins...yeah, that's just bizarre.
You should get some of those water bottles that people use for hamsters. You know, just mount them to the wall and make the cat figure out how to use them.
Okay, I'm commenting again, because I read the first part of Sherri's comment, the part about getting "one of those water bottles people use for hamsters", only I kind of mentally skipped over the "for hamsters" part, because I thought she was talking about those SPRAY bottles that people use to get cats to stop scratching furniture, or whatever else they don't want the cats to do, some kind of AVERSION THERAPY or whatnot. And then my mind made this HUGE LEAP to thinking HEY! You so totally should carry around a little spray bottle with you, and any time someone mentions the baby thing, you could just, you know, give 'em a little spritz in the face. I REALLY think this would work, Kelly. After, oh, two or three times of getting shot in the face with cold water, I think folks would finally start to get the message and just shutup about the whole baby thing. And, my gosh, I'd pay good money (of which I have none) to see the expressions on their faces.
And I shall giggle about this for the rest of the day. Teehee.
say laughingly in response to goofball statements: "oh no, no, no!!! we're MUCHmuch too busy having sex to have any time for children right now!"
and then start dry-humping rob right there in front of them. should get them off your ass (and outta your life!) for a while! ;)
(my parents have one of those pet water dispensers that ladybug pointed out; they work wonders.)
(ummm, that last comment was from me. i was so worked up that i forgot to put my name in!)
My vote is that you practice up on your drama skills, and whenever someone pulls the baby shit, you can run from the room crying, blubbering something along the lines of, "I WISH we could...How could you be so insensitive?"
LadyBug, I know! I could not believe a dude was pressuring us about kids. WTF? And I looked at a water thing similar to that at Walmart yesterday. I didn't buy it because I decided that even full of water, Maylee could knock it over. And then we would have A WHOLE HELLA LOT of water on the floor. However, the one you linked to is way cooler and probably much heavier than the one I saw. (And I am loving the built-in filter! Cause, as you know, we only give our babies filtered water.)
Sherri, funny you said that. Aso while at Walmart yesterday, I searched the pet aisle for wall-mounted waterers. Because yes, that is exactly what I need. I didn't think about buying a hamster one, but I bet the cats could figure that out. Maybe.
And that, LB, is THE MOST BRILLIANT IDEA EVER, OF ALL TIME. I am definitely snorking ;) at the thought of someone's expression when I squirt them in the face. Awesome. And I, too, shall giggle about this for the rest of the day.
Raz, the only problem with that plan is that Rob and I dry-hump at parties all the time and so people have pretty much gotten used to it by now. ;)
Ern, that would definitely teach a lesson. (I mean, what if that were the case? I'd be even more pissed at his insensitivity than I am now.) But I think the lesson I want to teach, if I teach any at all, is that Not everyone wants kids so stop assuming we do and shut the fuck up already you impertinent little twit. Or, you know, something like that.
You can borror Lauren's "I hate babies" t-shirt.
Insensitive twits! When folks rave about having kids I just scowl and mutter, "Misery loves company." That usually shuts them up.
Borror, it's the new borrow. What the fuck am I on today?
As usual LadyBug has completely cracked me right up. I say go with the spray bottle, Kel. It's pure GENIUS.
And DUDE, the description of your cat? AWESOME. I was laughing so hard! I almost peed, no kidding. "Look! SHINY!" I can totally see it. Man, I just love cats... Oh, and kids, too. MY kids. When are you and Rob going to start your family Kel? Tick, tock, tick, tock!!
(laughs and ducks for cover)
Man! Comments are flying fast and furious! But WAIT JUST A SEC-- did you say you went to WALMART?! Oh, Kel. You must be desperate, eh? To brave the 'Mart...
There is a line from the movie Bachelor Party That I used to use before we had Max.
"Oh we are thinking of adopting. I've had my eye on this 17 year Korean girl/boy for sometime now."
ieatcrayonz - Sweet! Thanks. ;)
Von, that's a good one! Heh.
Borror, fully, it's all good, crayola. And I love it when you say fuck. I can't help it - I do!
::bitch slaps cat::
(Okay, not really.) But yes cat, when I go to Walmart, you know the desperation is running DEEP.
Oh william, that's gooood!
1. How about: "We're looking for a surrogate."
2. "Where there's a will, there is a way to spill" cracked me up. Does kitty like baths?
3. I've heard a little about the dolphin program. They're apparently wonderful at sniffing out mines (or whatever they do to detect them).
LadyBugs comment was too funny. I love it. Just spray and they will go away.
The dolphin thing...just sick. Who thinks this stuff up?
I think that's the source of the problem, mrtl. We gave Maylee (and Simon) many baths as a kitten. Now she's a freak who loves water. Parenting is hard, yo.
lawbrat, leave it to LadyBug to make us laugh. Every time. :)