move over, bitch and other helpful driving tips
kelly | 19 September 2005 - 10:38am
Today's motif monday topic is road rage. So here are my top driving pet peeves, in order of how much they piss me off:
- Slow left-lane drivers. Here's the thing, Granny - I respect your desire to drive slowly. I do. In fact, I appreciate that given the fact that you are a blind old bat, that you prefer not to zoom through town in your cruise-ship-converted-into-a-car Grannymobile. However, THAT IS WHAT THE RIGHT LANE IS FOR. Move over, bitch. You can't handle the left lane. The left lane is for super-cool people like me who drive stick shifts and pay $120 speeding tickets. And here's a clue: If you are in the left lane and the car behind you is riding your ass, move over, bitch. The fact that you are planning to make a left turn in another 5 miles does not give you permission to clog the left lane. And another hint: When I finally throw my hands up in surrender and pass you on the right side (which I SHOULD NEVER HAVE TO DO BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT THE LEFT LANE IS FOR) kindly switch to the right lane after I pass so that the cars that are lined up behind you can proceed on through without also having to pass you in the right lane. I mean, how is it that you DO NOT NOTICE when like, 50 cars all pass you in the right lane? You are either completely absent-minded or mind-numbingly egocentric, and quite honestly both of those characteristics piss me off equally much, which you surely gathered if you were stupid enough to look my way when I passed and thus received the withering look I shot you, the one that said quite simply, Move over, bitch!
- The blinker leaver-oner. Speaking of absent-minded. TURN OFF YOUR GODDAMN BLINKER. Worst case scenario, you are confusing everyone behind you with your unintentional signal of intention. Best case scenario, your rapidly blinking light is making me twitch. And believe me, that is not a best case scenario at all. How do you not HEAR IT? Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Geez, the noise itself is like Chinese water torture. And to be frank, you look like a fucking dumbass. Leaving your blinker on is the driving equivalent to tucking the back of your skirt into your underwear.
- John Tesh. Last week as I was flipping through the radio stations I caught a snippet of him explaining how anger causes periodontitis. I shit you not. Please, John, I beg of you: Stop. Just STOP. You make me want to ram my car into something.
- Toe cramps and a seizure-like series of sneezes. Just...not cool. At all.
- 656 reads
all comments photoblog
Something about Blinker leaver-oner, that when I read it it looks like it is supposed to be dirty. Like if it was pig latin or something it would say beaver boner.
Sorry.
Oh Granny. And when she does chance to look over at you, she's giving YOU a nasty look.
Premature liner uppers (who often tend to be non-merger allowers) piss me off around here.
I....I just....I just can't believe you called Granny a bitch. THREE TIMES. Poor Granny. But yeah, she totally should've moved over.
In other news, LOVE the new tagline. :o) And oh-so-appropriate for today's theme!
Word, sista, WORD!
My husband calls it the "old man blinker." Is this car going to get over? Nope, just has his old man blinker on!
Also, I wanted to tell you that your squash casserole was our Emmy dinner last night, and a big hit all around! I think it will enter the regular dinner schedule here!
You are freaking hilarious. I mean it. LAUGH OUT LOUD FUNNY! But poor, poor granny. She doesn't mean to be a bitch, Kel. Why you gotta be like that, huh? Why you gotta disrespect your elders like that, huh? Huh, Kel?
Guess what? I just realized that "diss" is short for "disrespect". But with an addional "s". Unless it is actually "dis", in which case, it should have been ever MORE obvious to me before now. And I meant to do that with my punctuation and quotation marks. I've gone all European punctuation today.
That is all.
Oh! Oh! Can I play?
Worse than the "eventual turn" signal is the "twitchy brake foot". Bitch, if your brakes go on, you stop. period. In the frigging emergency lane. Don't be giving me "did a deer just run out in front of her?" heart attacks and cause ME to slam on the binders just because you're keeping time to frigging John Tesh (use a frigging calendar for that!).
If I'm ever driving in your part of the country, I'll try to stay in the middle lane and not use my blinkers just in case I cross your path so you won't run me off the road! Wait, do you even have three-lane freeways in Redneck Valley?
Yes, oh yes. I am with you on the slow drivers and blinker-leaver oners. TOTALLY. And I loved that you called Granny a bitch....3 times.
My rode rage pet peeve is the boyfriend...WHO DOES NOT DRIVE...and starts stamping the floorboards to hint at me to slow down, who does not give me direction until it is "OH DEAR GOD TURN NOW, TURN NOW!!!!!" and who white knuckles it when I pass Ol'bitch Grannies. Listen here pansy-ass boy, live life in the fast lane or take the bus.