flooded with relief
kelly | 13 July 2005 - 9:35am
And then the flood gates opened and the deluge began and there was much rejoicing in the Rob+Kelly household. There was spirited dancing and shouts of jubilation: "We have been spared the blight of pregnancy! Praise be to the almighty powers of contraception! It is a miracle that we can lie together and not beget!"
I didn't really think I was pregnant, but there was just a tiny amount of doubt. The boob thing had me wondering. After all, having enlarged, sore breasts is the equivalent of a neon sign that flashes YOU ARE PREGNANT. I knew I really couldn't be, but I also knew that with the universe against me I could quite possibly be one of the .1% of unlucky women who do everything right and get fucked over anyway.
Because the thing is (brace yourselves), we're not sure we want kids. Ever.
According to Bridget Jones, the question single women loathe is "Why aren't you married yet?" Well, for a married woman without children, the dreaded question is (said with pitying disbelief), "You don't have any children?" It is just assumed that all women, all people, want children. And just as so many people think single women who prefer being single are either nuts or lying, women who don't want children are considered absolute freaks of nature.
And maybe I am a freak of nature. I don't know why I don't feel strongly about having children. It's at least partly because I'm selfish and prefer to live my life with Rob unburdened and without making sacrifices. At this point in my life anyway, I'd rather buy shoes and travel. And it's partly because I'm not sure I want to be responsible for bringing someone into a world whose future seriously concerns me. And part of it, the tiniest part, is me being antagonistic towards society, because I really hate being expected to do something just because everyone else is.
But there are other times, mostly within the last year or so, when I do think I might want to be a mom someday. Maybe. Or maybe not. See? I can't decide.
I've always been terrible at making decisions. I make good ones, but only because I agonize over them. I often wish I could live more than one life because there are so many things I want to experience and yet most of them aren't compatible with the others.
I think some people (at least some of the people I know here in Redneck Valley) enter into parenthood the same way they practice religion - without truly considering what it means and what it takes to do it well. Rob and I aren't those people. I don't know if us not knowing whether or not we want children means we obviously don't, or if it just means that we think things through thoroughly and appreciate the huge responsibility that is being a parent. I know it would be incredibly fulfilling, and, believe me, I have tremendous respect for people who are parents. And I think Rob and I would make great parents. We just need to figure out if that's what we want for ourselves.
And for now, the answer to that is a resounding no.
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God bless you, Kelly, for taking the decision so seriously and giving it so much thought. I applaud you for that.
On another note, who woulda thought the whole of the blogosphere would spend this morning wondering whether you got your period? I know I'm not the only one who's checked repeatedly for a new post. (Show of hands?) Just another reminder of how our little blogging community bands together and worries and watches out for each other.
Blove you!
I find this post so wise and thoughtful it's hard to believe it could be written by someone barely older than my daughters.
Having children without thinking it through can sometimes work, and work wonderfully. It can sometimes be a disaster, characterized by resentment, self-pity, and stress that drives a wedge between you and everything you now hold dear.
You sound like the kind of person who needs to do anything you do very well. And being a great parent isn't a fluke - it's a calling. Some hear the calling after their child is born, some when they are 14 years old ... and some never hear it. It's like love. When you hear it, you'll know.
If you need to think things through and be sure about things, then that's what you do. And yeah, society, in the form of pushy people who don't see why you should be spared the misery they endure, may look at you funny. They can suck it.
I admire your resolve to make the right decision for the right reason. The world needs more of that.
WooHoo! I admire your thought process on this topic. I totally agree with Nilbo on the "calling".
Freak.of.nature! I command you to succumb to society's pressure to cookie cutter you in to having a baby! Now!
Just kidding. I knew you felt that way. You made a comment somewhere a few weeks/months ago on somebody's blog to that effect. It's absolutely fine to not want children, perhaps because of the state the world is in now, overpopulation, and yes, even self-prescribed selfishness. You should do what your heart tells you to do. I believe it's more selfish to bring a child into this world when you're not ready for it. At least you are honest.
Up until college, I knew that I was more career minded than family minded. Having children did not appeal to me. When I met Rancito's family and nephews, things started to change. The house felt empty and quiet. We settled into a boring routine, and one Fall I asked Rancito if he'd like to have a child. He stared off for a minute and then said, "Yes, I would."
It's tiring, it's messy, it's expensive, and it's a lot of work. But I can't explain the other changes it will make in your life: things you now look forward to that used to be so boring and routine like birthdays and holidays, the way my husband and I look at Lauren as though she is the most precious gift we have ever received, and the happiness she brings to our family's life. If I could choose to do it differently, either to wait longer or not have kids, I wouldn't. We knew that we were ready at that point in time, and we went for it.
Everyone is different and we all blove and respect you for the decisions you make...as long as you don't stop visiting the mommy bloggers! ;)
Thank you all for your supportive comments. I hesitated posting this because it is so personal and it's so often difficult for people to understand. But I knew that within this community of bloggers, I had nothing to worry about. I was right.
LadyBug, thank you for starting the comments off with such a kind and positive tone. And OMG, I am a bit embarrassed that my period has generated such interest. No, actually I love that, for the very reason you give - I'm so fortunate to be part of this caring community.
Thank you for your thoughtful response, Nilbo. I always like hearing your take on things. Not just because you are old (kidding) and wise, but because I respect you.
Thank you, william.
I'm glad to know that having children didn't always appeal to you, Ro. My mom waited until she was 27 to have me. She said, "One day your dad and I realized we were really bored. That's when we decided to have kids." It sounds like you experienced that a bit, too, and I can see how the same could happen to Rob and I. For now, our cats are enough. And if someday we decide to have kids, I will blame it completely on Lauren. She is so darn precious and I just adore her.
I still get pissed off when nosey-assed people ask such personal questions. It's such a personal decision, and commendable (though not surprising) that you take it so seriously. True, you and Rob would make beautiful babies, probably with analytical minds and great taste in shoes, but it would make life a lot easier for all involved if you are fully on board with the idea of parenthood. There are a lot of people out there who have no business being parents for that very reason.
Mister mrtl and I always liked the thought of having a kid, but not the responsibility, loss of freedom or ability to pick up and go... We bitched about the cats hindering trips as it was. So we waited, long after relatives had stopped bothering to ask us if we'd ever have kids (8 years). Bug came when we were both ready -- emotionally, financially, psychologically -- so she's getting the best of us. That's the way it should be. Once we had Bug, we changed our minds about having another. Go figure.
Welcome Tom!
You're just saving yourself for me baby.
This is a great post and I am impressed with your discussion and comments regarding your decision. It is a deeply personal decision to have children and no one should pressure you into doing what you are not sure of for your self.
I went through my biological clock period around 30-32, all I could think about was adopting a child and being a Dad. I used to dream about it a lot, but each time I dreamt about it, I was a lone with my child, not with someone else and that bothered me. Not from the "this is not the traditional" way to raise a child way, but from the, I don't want to do this alone perspective. I wanted what mrtl had, a partner to share the joy and the experience with.
I envy you and your choice. I don't feel like I have one. I don't say this to make you feel bad, there are certainly the other non preggers out there who CAN'T conceive for other reasons too. I'm just saying that I envy your choice for what it is, a choice. That's why I think we'll get another puppy, another Weimaraner and name her Diva or some such fabo name.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
More people should put that kind of thought into a decision of that magnitude. Woo Hoo for choice and contraception.
What a fantastic post. I am so glad you are not taking the decision to have children lightly.
The more I get to know you, the more I like you.
"Mister mrtl and I always liked the thought of having a kid, but not the responsibility, loss of freedom or ability to pick up and go..." This is exactly how I feel, mrtl. Thank you for putting it into words for me. And I think if we wait long enough, like you and mister mrtl did, that we'll know for sure, one way or another.
Well, John Stamos, even if we didn't want to make a baby, we could still go through the motions. So to speak...
greenie, you're right - I am lucky to have the choice. I have a close family member who cannot conceive, and she once asked me if I wanted children (she's one of the few who have acknowledged that it's not a given) and I felt terrible telling her I wasn't sure. It's not my fault she can't have babies, but I wish I could give her my fertility (assuming I have it - we've never tried, after all) which I may end up "wasting." I feel the same way about you because I know what an amazing father you would be.
Indeed, Von. Margaret Sanger is my hero.
Thank you Torrie. And ditto. :)
If more people took this decision as seriously as you do, there would be a lot fewer unwanted children in the world.
Good for you, putting so much thought into the decision. I've known since I was a little girl that I wanted kids, and now that I have Rose, I feel complete for the first time. But I know lots of moms, even ones who wanted their kids, who are driven crazy by them. That's sad for everyone involved. I look around every day and think, we have too many animals, and I feel terribly guilty for even thinking that because I do love each and every one of them -- just sometimes feel a bit overburdened. I'd never want to feel that way about a child. By the way, the questions don't stop after you have a baby. I got my first "when are you having another one?" when Rose was five weeks old.
"So when are we going to get some grandbabies?!" The most dreaded words in the world...
Good for you guys, for being so honest with yourselves regarding your desire to procreate and shit. But, DUDE! y'all will have purty kiddos if and when you feel ready to go for it! Not that THAT should have any bearing on your decision, but seriously... who wants ugly babies?
You know?
double ditto on what everyone else has already said. i used to want child(ren) so badly that i could almost smell them (metaphorically speaking)... but, due to my beliefs and desires and needs, i didn't want to do it alone, so i haven't. and i'm very grateful now that things have turned out like they have for me. i know God has a Plan for me - i have finally learned to completely accept and appreciate and enjoy that knowledge, and now my life is so much happier. not crying "if only" every other day has freed me like nothing else. now, if only i'd learned that valuable lesson earlier!!! :-) you're on the definite right track, girlie. keep up being you.
Um, you have 3 already...dont you remember your kitty post? :-)
If it not what you want that should be ok with all that love you. If you change your mind, so be it.
I was one who went into it unthinking. Dont get me wrong, after having them I would never trade them for anything. But, I would be such a differnt person now. I'd have been done with school a long time ago, practing law, doing mostly what I want. But, I had them early, and have the consequences and the joys of doing that. Let me tell you, I'm looking forward in many ways to when they're older, in college, and I can travel and buy more shoes.
Good for you guys! Being a parent just isn't for everybody, but as others have said: if ever change your mind you'll have some good lookin' babies!
It's great that the two of you are thinking through such an important decision.
To tell you the truth, after reading the first paragraph, I was just relieved this wasn't a post dedicated to your period! lol
I just noticed you drawing similarities to "Friends" over on John Boy's blog. I think I blove you even more! (Coming from a bona fide addict)
Congrats on not being pregnant, Kelly and Rob! :)
I won't repeat what a lot of people have already said. Two of our three little clowns were VERY planned. Our third little clown was "somewhat planned" in that we might have had another one, we might not have. I can't imagine life without that little guy, and I'm really glad God blessed us with him, too. HOWEVER, we're a helluva lot more careful now 'bout our 'shenanigans'. ;)
I heart you, darlin.
Glad to hear things worked out the way you wanted them to. I definitely admire you for really thinking things through on this matter. You and Rob have plenty of time to decide on having kids. For now, enjoy each other,buy cute shoes, and travel. If and when you decide to - we'll all celebrate your parenthood, and if not - we'll celebrate your right to choose not to.
True dat, Ern. And you're a Friends addict too? Seriously, why don't we live closer together?
FIVE WEEKS, Grace? That shit ain't right.
Hi cat! Oh yes, I DO know. (Rob laughed out loud when he read "who wants ugly babies?" And also when he read mrtl's "analytical minds and great taste in shoes." Y'all rock.)
"not crying 'if only' every other day has freed me like nothing else." - YES. So true. You are a wise woman, Raz. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me.
lawbrat, you are one of the blogmoms I most admire. You are an amazing parent. And when your boys are finally in college, you will have earned a closetful of new shoes and all kinds of exotic travel. :)
Awww, thanks Bente.
Heh, I wondered if I'd lose the boys at the mention of the "deluge," John Boy. Thanks for sticking with me.
I heart you too, CK! And should something unplanned happen to us, I'll take it for what it would be - a clear answer to our decision. That wouldn't be such a bad thing. But that's not to say I'm not going to get my birth control pills refilled tomorrow!
Thanks, Momo. The support and celebration we give each other every step of the way is what makes this blog community so incredible.
Have a baby and then give it to me. That would really piss people off.
No really, you have furry babies and if you dont want more, then dont have them. Everyone should not have kids. And everyone else should mind their own business.
It always amazes me how having children and what to do with them once you have them seems to be such public property. Someone breastfeeds in public and the whole country goes crazy. Someone else says they don't want kids and the mommies come out with the hatchets. (not on this blog, of course, I am generalizing).
You do what you gotta do, Kalki. You seem like a wise and wonderful person. If you have kids they will blow you away with how much they give you. If you decide not to have 'em, you will have a great life with your hubby and your cats.
Great post. Great comments.
It's a plan, JR!
Thanks for your kind words, Amy.
I don't think I can add anything, everyone has put it so well. It's your decision honeybunny, and it's a HUGE one. Thumbs up to you and your husband for being responsible and realistic about it.