considering the shit I went through, how appropriate that I was buying a plunger
kelly | 2 June 2005 - 8:55am
From time to time I throw out our toilet bowl brushes and plunger because they touch dirty toilets and thus completely gross me out and must be replaced. I threw them all out on Monday and so on Tuesday I went to Walmart to replace them.
Two things you need to know - I hate Walmart and I am a bit embarrassed to be seen buying a plunger. A plunger is just one of those items that ANNOUNCES what you plan to do with it. Like condoms. Or tampons. I have no problem with strangers knowing I have sex and periods. But carrying condoms to the register (which I haven't done in years, thank google) feels like an announcement that I AM GOING TO HAVE SEX. RIGHT NOW. AS SOON AS I GET TO THE PARKING LOT, IN FACT. Same with tampons. LOOK EVERYONE! RIGHT NOW, AT THIS MOMENT, I AM MENSTRUATING. Even if I'm not, I feel like everyone thinks I am. I recover from these moments by reminding myself that everyone has sex and that periods are a natural and for the most part unavoidable part of womanhood.
But a plunger? A plunger says I DUMP SO MUCH SHIT THAT MY TOILET CAN'T HANDLE IT. (Actually, I just need a plunger because the plumbing in our house is somewhat pathetic what with the lack of water pressure and all. And see? Now I'm justifying the plunger purchase to all of you because I AM THAT EMBARRASSED about it.)
So of course I couldn't find the goddamn plungers at Walmart and was forced to ask someone where they were. "Excuse me, can you help me? I dump so much shit that my toilet can't handle it. And so I need a plunger. Where can I find them?" HARDWARE is where you find plungers at Walmart. FYI.
I got in line, trying to hide the plunger as best I could in the cart. Eventually it was my turn and the cashier swiped all my items. But the plunger, which she had saved for last, didn't have a fucking barcode on it. And I had no idea what its price was. The cashier was a young thing who did not speak English well at all. This wouldn't have been a problem except that when she paged for assistance, no one knew what the hell she was saying and so no one came to help. She paged again. Nothing. The register light was blinking, the people behind me were shifting their weight impatiently, no one was coming to help and OMG people could see that I was buying a plunger! You'd think the people behind me in line would desert and switch to another register, but they didn't. The line just got longer and longer. I was just about ready to run over to hardware myself and drag someone back when the cashier down the row took pity on us and paged for help herself. Immediately someone from hardware called my cashier's phone. She picked up and said, "I need to know the price of...of..." and then she looked at me and asked, "What is this?"
"A plunger," I whispered.
"A what?"
"A plunger," I said just loud enough for her, and only her, to hear.
"A blooner?"
"PLUNGER," I said a bit louder, SO ashamed.
"PLOONBER?" It was like we were in that "Nuni" SNL skit. I said plunger and she said something else that sounded NOTHING AT ALL like plunger.
"PLUN-GER." This time everyone in my line plus everyone in the lines next to me heard me announce that I was buying a PLUN-GER, A THINGY THAT SUCKS SHIT.
"Plooonger," she said into the phone. But the hardware dude didn't understand her (big surprise). So she thrust the phone in my face.
I brought the receiver to my ear and said quietly, "Hi. We need a price check on a plunger." Notice the WE. I am not necessarily the one buying the plunger, Mr. Hardware Department Dude. WE need a price check.
"Red or black?"
"Red," I muttered.
The cashier grabbed the phone back from me and we waited for the dude to price check my plunger. Then he recited to her the 50+ digit UPC number through the phone. Very sloooowly. And she typed in each number and then repeated each number back to him. Very sloooowly. And guess what? Item not found. So they did the whole damn thing over again. Even more sloooowly. And surprise! Item still not fucking found. At this point, he apparently told her just to enter the price ($1.97), which she did and then hung up. But the register then required that she enter a name for the mystery item that cost $1.97. So she asked me to SPELL IT. I shit you not, she fucking asked me to spell plunger. I looked around for the cameras then, indeed I did. Because this does not happen in real life. This only happens when someone is making a concerted effort to embarrass you for a television show.
So there I was, spelling plunger IN FRONT OF EVERYONE while she typed in the letters. Very slooowly. P. L. U. N. She typed M instead of N and I corrected her. She deleted it all and we started over. P. L. U. N. (She couldn't find the goddamn N key so I hit it myself because at this point I was leaning over the register in a useless attempt to prevent anyone but her from hearing me.) G. E. R.
The register accepted this, and I quickly swiped my card and got the hell out of there, with the $1.97 plunger but without any remnant of dignity intact whatsoever.
- 2233 reads
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Nuni?
No, NUNI!
Poor Kelly. I imagine your delicate psyche is permanently scarred after that experience.
(I think I might've been tempted to permanently scar the cashier, during that ordeal.)
And "I shit you not" was a nice touch, in the middle of your shit-sucky-thing story. Tee-hee.
That is, without a doubt, one of the funniest things I have ever read. In my life. Thus far. OMG! I am crying! Real freaking tears, here! You had me at your post title, I shit you now. Hey, that IS fun!
And FYI? Dumping so much shit that your toilet can't handle it? A feat to be proud of, my friend. WAY proud. Just light a match and hold your head high! (Or blame it on the spouse. Whatev.)
Um, I don't "shit you now." I "shit you NOT."
Totally ruined it. Damn. ;)
Um...I thought folks in Redneck Valley used outhouses? You know, with the quarter moon cut out in the door and antlers mounted over it.
LOL!!! You crack me up! I always feel so self conscious not just buying condoms, but buying Trojan Magnums...you know the ones? Black box with BIG gold lettering MAGNUM? Extra large condoms? Ya, it just screams "My, my, my, we certainly think a lot of ourselves don't we?" As if buying condoms alone isn't enough, I have to announce the size needed. I've learned that burying the box under other stuff only delays the inevitable unveiling too. Just put it right out front, it disappears first and we move on to the price check for the plunger to take the focus off.
wait. what was it you bought at wal-mart? it wasn't clear. ;)
Oh my gosh, Kelly, that was so f'ing hilarious! Literally laughing out loud at my desk. I, too, would have been looking for the cameras because that was just too priceless! Sorry for the grief, babe!!
oh, my gosh!! i read your page every day but this is the first time i've written a comment. that is too funny, and so sad at the same time!! thanks for starting my day off great with a good laugh!
Red or Black? That KILLS me. Bwahahahahaha...
No Torrie, NUNI.
LadyBug, I'll be honest - I wanted to deck her one. Or at least stick the plunger to her face.
Cat, you crack ME up with "light a match and hold your head high." Not to mention "shit you now." ;)
greenie, did you say MAGNUM? Ern, ERN, where are you? Greenie just said MAGNUM!! And greenie I swear to google you're stalking me because you know exactly what my bathroom is like. :)
Hi Raz! Please don't make me say it again.
Doreen, what's worse is that I just keep thinking that certainly someone I know was witness to all of this. Because I'm not sure I've ever gone to Walmart and not run into someone I know.
Welcome, snookie! And thanks for your kind comment.
Amanda, I actually paused in the aisle, trying to decide which color to buy. I decided that red is the new black, at least with plungers.
Plus, black shows EVERYTHING. Just so you know.
Oh, and I have new respect for Greenie. My, my, MYYYYYYYY...
What a funny story. I didn't know that buying a plunger could be so eventful. I also did not realize there was a stigma with purchasing a plunger. Great story.
Red plunger powers, activate!
Yes, my plunger is red too. At my very first apartment, I experienced a bit of a toilet issue in the middle of the night. Naturally, I did not have a plunger of my own, and you can't really go buying those things in the middle of the night, so I had to call the maintenance team. I was mortified. I was nearly tempted to scoop out the mess and throw it out the window before they arrived, but I didn't. So they came in and plunged away and fixed the problem.
Buying a plunger is embarrassing. But not having one and having a complete stranger actually see WHY you need one is...well...I still haven't recovered and that was 8 years ago. *blush*
Oh my! I'm totally feeling your pain. I too, have always been embarassed when buying tampons and condoms. I was absolutely mortified when my hubby and I were buying condoms, and had to have a price check done on them.
Great story and so well told!
Oh my...I think this story is very funny and so true! How is it that the most embarrassing things always get noticed?
Possibly to take your mind of off this terrible experience, I have tagged you for a book meme that is going around. Feel free to enjoy or not as the feeling grabs ya! I shit you not!
I got your comment, but I had to finish typing my post first. Yes. I wrote an ACTUAL post with ACTUAL words in it. I know, you can scarcely believe it!
Now, let's see, where to begin? Ah, yes, with the CAPS LOCK. OK. THAT WAS SO FREAKING FUNNY! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S TRUE. WALMART AND PLUNGER AND ALL THE SHIT! AND I DON'T KNOW WHICH I AM LAUGHING HARDER AT--YOUR STORY OR GREENIE'S COMMENT--TMI!!! NEW RESPECT FOR GREENIE! LUCKY NICHO! OR LUCKY GREENIE. EITHER WAY! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Oh cat, I think we ALL have a new respect for greenie now!
Bill, stigma is such a good word. Now I wish I'd used that.
Sherri, OMG I am dying of embarrassment from YOUR story. You win, hon. That is SO MUCH WORSE. I seriously think I would have been bucketing out the toilet. I feel a special kinship to you now, by the way. :)
Momo, what is it with these stores not putting barcodes on embarrassing items? It's as if they WANT us to have to do a price check and thus suffer from the stigma. (Hey bill, I used stigma!)
Hi Weetzie! Thanks for the tag! I'll happily embrace a distraction from the P-L-U-N-G-E-R.
ERN! Greenie, MAGNUM, omg! Is he trying to woo us or WHAT? He's giving Pokey a run for his money! ;)
Seriously, Kalki, I think Greenie is trying to convert us! Wait, no, that doesn't work...what IS he trying to accomplish? Maybe he's just getting comfortable and finally coming out of his shell! I love the new, bolder Greenthumb! Greenthumb: Now with big, giant, MAGNUM cajones!
Your conversion powers are by far, much stronger than mine, even more so, if you two were in the same room at the same time. reowr!
New tagline for klog. Ok it is actually backwards. G.reenie's O.bnoxiously L.ong K.ickstand
Holy crow! I can't believe she didn't know what a plunger is. I've always thought it was pretty gross when someone has a plunger on their head in a cartoon...I mean, like you said, "It sucks shit!"
OH.MY.GOD! I am laughing so hard I may shit a brick and then I'll need to go and buy a plunger. Oh man, nothing like a good redneck plunger story. HA!
Um, you ladies are so self-absorbed. Why do you assume Greenie is making this announcement for your sake? Sorry to tell you but there might be some bloggers without nunis that he might be trying to convert. Just a thought. But, sorry Greenie, it was lost on me. LOL
Kelly, your wristband is in the mail.
Ern, I'm not sure what he's trying to accomplish, but it's totally working.
Greenie, now you're just giving us false hope. ;)
Bill, that backwards tagline was fucking brilliant. Love it.
Bente, I think she knew what it did (SUCKS SHIT, that's what!) but didn't know the English word for it. Not her fault, but damned if I didn't want to plunge her face anyway.
John Boy, greenie NOT making that announcement for our sake is about as likely as that fan club of yours NOT discussing your hotness. Mmmmkay? ;)
And THANK YOU for sending my wristband! You're the best John Boy toy a girl could ask for.
Hee, hee.
Greenie has a big pee-pee.
You do realize that we shall have to work on this stigma-fear you have.
Could PEBBLES also stand for Plunging Evacuation Business Blogging Ladies of the East Side? I think it could.
Pastries, Plungers... one more P to make it three. What will it be? Let me see. Let me see.
If I may, Cat... O.M.G. I just had mister mrtl read this and guess what! Guess! He smiled. This is so rare. Rare indeed. Usually he reminds me that we have Very Different senses of humor. Usually he sees nothing humorous in things that have me BWAHAHAHAHA'ing, which is why I so rarely show him anything that amusing. Even when something has me almost (I said almost) wetting my pants because it's so funny, he reads, shrugs, and goes back to his magazine/book/websurfing/whateva.
Oh, mrtl, you absolutely MAY. And might I add that I made TGIM read this, also, and guess what! He laughed! RIGHT OUT LOUD! Which is, as with mister mrtl, rare indeed. Honestly, Kell... I'm still giggling.
Torrie, you crack me up.
mrtl and cat, I made the husbands smile/laugh?! WHOA. That is SO one of the top accomplishments of my week!
I've been sitting here trying to think up a third P. And I got nuthin' y'all. Seriously, all that is coming to mind is P.Diddy. And that isn't even a P word.
LMAO! Oh my god, I've been there! And yes, our plumbing in this 65 year old house requires a plunger at times.
Oh, God. I have that burning urge to replace the nasties that have been in the toilet too...
Kalki, are you my toilet twin?
OK, this was the funniest damn post I've read in weeks. I NEVER laugh out loud at my computer - OK, rarely - but I did with this.
Without in any way trying to one-up what was a brilliantly funny story wonderfully told, let me humbly add my plunger-related story. Which is absolutely true in every detail.
First time I go to her parents' place for dinner. Lovely huge Thanksgiving dinner. Predictable effect. Anticipating a possible marathon, I quickly scour the living room en route to the facilities and find the ONLY BOOK IN THE ENTIRE HOUSE, which is entitled (no shit) (yet) "How To Fix Your Volkswagen".
I sequester myself and begin to use my time productively - taking in valuable information and releasing materials my body no longer has use for.
About the time I qualified as a Bug mechanic, I decide that there is no further output to be put out. After the appropriate paperwork, I reach back, press on the handle, and flush.
Except, not so much FLUSH as FLU-. And now the product of my time in that room is bobbing merrily about a half-inch away from the top edge of the bowl.
Flush again, and risk catastrophe? No chance. I begin to look for the plunger. But the plunger, she is not in this room. 75 cents CANADIAN at K-Mart, and this family decides it is an extravagance to have TWO plungers in a house with two bathrooms. "What are we, the Rockefellers?" Great.
So I coyly stick my head out and call to my girlfriend. "Get me the plunger," I say.
"The what?"
"The plunger."
"Why?"
"You're not seriously asking me that."
"DAD! WHERE'S THE PLUNGER?" ("Oh, Christ.")
"IN THE DOWNSTAIRS BATHROOM!"
"CAN YOU GET IT? WE NEED IT UP HERE!" ("No. Please. No. Just kill me now.")
"VERA! CAN YOU GET THE PLUNGER?"
"WHY ME? I'M IN THE KITCHEN!" (I want to die. This has become a group project. And an argument to boot.)
Finally, after much bickering, WHO was getting the plunger was decided, and it was brought upstairs. At which point her father thought he should SHOW ME HOW TO USE IT, which - I'm good, thanks.
I plunge, everything goes away, life is ready to continue for everybody but me, because I plan to shoot myself. So her sister follows me into the bathroom, which - I'm SO sorry, but I do not shit roses, and making a big to-do about it does not help matters or make me feel welcome.
I meekly return the plunger to the downstairs bathroom, when her sister finishes and FLU-
"DAD! IT'S REALLY PLUGGED!"
"CHRIST! WHAT DID YOU DO IN THERE?"
Me: *BLAM* (THUD).
The kicker? I am still married to that woman. We have a house with two bathrooms. Both have plungers.
Oh Kit, thank google you admit to using a plunger too! I'm feeling a little less stigmatized now, thank you. :)
Spurious, "toilet twin" is a new title for me. I'll take it.
Nilbo, I love that you add your own stories to mine. Thanks for exchanging laughs with me tonight. Or should I say shits and giggles?
That was great! Thank you for sharing that with us. Its amazing who gets hired these days. Plunger is NOT a difficult word.
34 comments? Holy literal crap! I can't believe I missed all of the booty flies excitement yesterday. I actually had to work if you can believe it.
Your post only reinforced my longing for our new Target opening in October. If I know I need to ask a question about something, I know to avoid Wal-Mart at all costs. I asked a Wal-Martian once if they had any plastic hangars in the back because they were all out. She said, "No, I can't do that. You can ask the person who'll be here in two hours." Right, I have nothing else to do today, moron.
Loved it, loved it, loved it. Everything I would normally say has already been said somewhere in the PREVIOUS 34 COMMENTS!!! Whoa, you have booty flies.
lawbrat, indeed, plunger is a simple word. (Unless you have to say it a million times in front of people while buying one, and then it just doesn't roll off the tongue. Heh.)
Robyn, they've started building our Target now and I am SOOOOOO excited! And "Wal-Martian" cracked my shit up.
Now stop spreading rumors that I have booty flies! People already think I'm disgusting enough for buying a plunger. :)
OMG.
I swear to leave a nomal message when I stop laughing!
Someone must have been equally as embarrassed to have invented this:
http://dailycandy.com/article.jsp?ArticleId=22831&city=4
Just random but why do you use Snookie as a nickname? I call everyone that as a joke, I thought no one used it anymore! lol